dave is coming over
“normal dave or dave whos alwayes doing impressions of evrybody we know”
[from outside] hi guyes, its normal dave
“noooo
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Do not play Yahtzee with squirrels
We built this community from the ground up as opposed to choosing a point in the air and building downwards from there.
Doctor: Any cancer in the family?
Me: My mom is a Sagittarius, but I’ll have to check on everyone else.
Doc: …
SHOPPER: which aisle has applesauce?
ME: oh, I don’t work here
*continues changing all the cheese Best If Purchased By dates to my name*
Woah!!! You’re a much fatter family than the stick figures on your rear window would indicate!
[cop who just pulled me over] i know you’re not really asleep
I’m the dog whisperer. I’ll whisper the word “dog” 20.. hell, 30 times if the price is right
My son said it’s not fair I’m the only one that sleeps alone because my sisters sleep together and so do you and dad. I said I totally understand you can sleep with dad and I’ll take your room.
I used to hate Mondays before I became a parent
*shakes brain like an Etch-A-Sketch*
8 yo: “Mommy, what did you want to be when you grew up?”
Me: “Not this tired.”
Someone left an honest-to-goodness Yellow Pages phonebook on my front porch today. I immediately notified the Smithsonian. kids, ask your parents what a phonebook is.
marrying a French man really helped me understand the French revolution because once you’ve heard literally anyone from France talk about other French people you understand how ready this entire country is to just starting guillotining each other
Wrong hole! It’s too tight!
-me putting on my watch, you pervs
Incredible customer service.
Capitalism is making me sad so I’m going to buy myself a little something.
Technically, the people tied to the tracks are the ones having the trolley problem
I get a cool lever
A Hallmark movie where the heroine is such a Karen that she ruins Christmas, the adorable son of the widower tells her to go back to her law firm in the city, and ends with the whole town chasing her with pitchforks.
i turned 40 and suddenly i can’t see shit if i drive at night and it’s raining. Is the lane still there? Idk. Did the road disappear? Idk. Am I even on the road anymore? Nope.
*rushing into work*
sorry i’m late. one of my apostles betrayed me last night
Friend: OMG did u see the thing on the news about the sinister clowns?
Me: *flashback to me watching the debate* yeah I think I saw that
Me: How dare you accuse me of being drunk last night !?
Wife: You were laughing all night at the TV – that wasn’t even turned on!
me at 26: i am a hideous troll
me at 28: *looking at a picture of myself at 26* wow what beauty i once possessed but i wasted it because now i am a hideous troll
me at 30: *looking at a picture of myself at 28* guys, you’re not gonna believe this,
Human beings are the absolute worst, so tomorrow I’ll be a wombat.
HAHA! Answer your phone silly. I called you like 18 times.
-I say as I climb through your window
Based on my calculations, if I do one load of laundry per day, I’ll finally catch up the week after we join the nudist colony.
No matter what country they’re in ducks always have the same quaccent.