“Dave just showed up”
Dave the fireman or Dave who always uses inappropriate abbreviations?
*Dave barges in* HEY GUYS I’M DTF
“Yeah I dunno”
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13-year-old: I have to stay up late. I have homework.
Me: What were you doing earlier?
13: Resting so I could stay up late.
My husband claims I’m driving him to an early grave, which is clearly ridiculous because nobody has ever been early to anything I’ve driven them to.
ME: They call me Mr Universe
DATE: You workout?
ME: I’m constantly expanding
Either my daughter has pink glitter in her hair or head lice is way more fabulous than I remember.
I dropped a telephone book on my foot, and when I called 911, they just sent a police car to arrest me for having a phone book in my house
Met someone who was born in 2001 and they had the nerve to lie and say that they’re not 2 years old.
Every time my Father in law gets trashed, he asks if I’ve lost weight… So naturally I bring a bottle of scotch every time we visit.
FYI – so it IS illegal to put a skylight on the 5th floor of an 8th floor apartment building
Me: You look amazing with glasses.
Her: OMG thanks
Me: *removes my glasses* But not so much without.
My Mom keeps warning me about talking to strangers on the Internet.
I’m 34 now Mom. I don’t talk to them. I sleep with them.
Don’t believe everything you read on a Mayan stone carving
i told 8 it was time for bed last night and he pulled out a bag from my favorite donut shop with a donut in it that he got earlier in the day so he could bribe me into letting him stay up. it worked.
When friends or family ask me if I’m going to have another baby, I just gesture at the chaos of my life and yell, “ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?”
I have done about 300 crunches for my new exercise routine.
299 of them are Nestlé.
I wonder if Groot met his girlfriend on Timber
I have eaten 16 of this car salesman’s tic-tacs while he was away from his desk. He wasn’t even gone long. I just can’t be unattended around tic-tacs.
DATE: Ooh, such long fingers
ME: Yeah, know what other long body part I have?
D: I have an idea *sexy wink*
M: My intestines are about 30ft
If there’s a line between right and wrong, I likely snorted it.
I have a tattoo of a tiger shirt underneath my tiger shirt so when I take off my tiger shirt BOOM tiger shirt
Husband: *bleeding* CALL 911!
Me: I would, but *shows both hands caught in Pringles cans*
Husband: WELL, RUN FOR HELP!
Me: *shows both feet caught in Pringles cans*
[to a straight couple]
Which one is the lesbian and which one is the other lesbian
If I became a witch, the first spell I would cast is to make crickets sound like a purring cat. After that, I’d focus on evil. But the cricket-cat thing first.
Just once I’d like the guy hired to kill me to complete the job and not fall in love with me.
14 takes out the trash and recycling without being asked
Me:
About to prop up a cardboard box with a stick on a string and put a hoodie under it.
He was rare. Like my car without any warning lights on
If the murder robots look like wall•e I will betray all of you
When my kids aren’t listening to me I just yell ignore me! And then I feel better that they’re finally listening.
Hey, Christianity- what’s all the fuss about a virgin anyway? I could be a virgin if I wanted to. But I don’t. Because sex. Also? More sex.
I once told a guy that I knew he liked me when he went out of his way to help me move and he replied, “oh, no, I just helped you coz I’m a good friend.”