ME: I make all my decisions by rolling dice
DATE: Ok
WAITER: Can I get you any drinks?
ME: Yes I’ll have-
[rolls dice]
-six beers please
You Might Also Like
I had to cut my own toenails. This pandemic is bullshit.
Drug dealers are always late. If your drug dealer is on time, it’s the police.
mom: I don’t like Alexa, why can’t people turn off their own lights
also my mom: good night 👏🏼👏🏼
[lights go out]
*first day working the gas pumps*
Me: ‘Paper or plastic?’
Me: home is where the heart is.
Nurse: *handing me a scalpel* doctor, you’re terrible at this.
So she was like, “Put on some protection”. I then pulled out & wore a yellow construction hat. We laughed & laughed & now I have herpes.
I retweeted my boss to let her know that I know she’s tweeting during the meeting.
If you want your friends to stop asking you to work out with them, go once. Show up in leather. Bring your workout cake.
“All I ever wanted to do is make a difference.” – Subtraction Man
Slept on the floor last night for fun with the kids and now I’m paralyzed
Every time I text this guy, he replies with “Sorry, I’m driving.” It’s been a few days. I’m guessing he’s probably made it to Mexico by now.
LAUGH IT UP NOW MILLENNIALS! IN 30 YEARS YOUR FAVORITE ACTORS WILL BE TALKING TO YOU ABOUT REVERSE MORTGAGES.
I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused exercise bike from 1987.
me: sorry if I’m bothering you
surgeon: how do you keep waking up and saying that
Interviewer: Says here you train monkeys to read and talk
Me: Yes and you’re doing great *gives him a raisin*
I actually enjoy homeschooling my kids. What’s my secret? I’m doing a terrible job.
An adult trying to be mean has never hurt my feelings as much as a child just asking questions.
Yesterday a 5-year-old saw me without my glasses and, horrified, said “is that what you look like in real life??”
If you hit an iceberg, you’ll know because Celine Dion will start playing
Thinking of having kids? Practice getting small children ready to play in the snow by wrestling a pair of gloves onto an angry octopus.
Saw a store that has a sign that reads, “We treat you like family!”
Yup, NOT going in there.
Me: I’ll have one of those to go. A Cargarita, if you will. LOL
Bartender: I’m cutting you off
Instead of chasing after Taylor Swift, I’m just going to wait until she breaks up with everyone else so I’m all that’s left.
During the bank robbery, I was the one who heroically soiled himself & cried in order to incapacitate the robbers with laughter
i hate when someone rings my doorbell because then i have to drop whatever i’m doing to be silent and pretend i’m not home.
me: tries to get every last possible drop out of a shampoo bottle so as not to waste any
also me: rinses away half a bar of soap to get a single hair off of it
My son has a hard time waking up in the morning so he downloaded an obnoxious sounding alarm on his phone to ensure he wouldn’t oversleep.
So far the only people awake from it this morning are me, my husband & our neighbors.
How much chocolate is too much chocolate before it is technically no longer a salad?
9yo: “Mom, I’m so nervous to go out in public…”
Me, mentally stretching as I prepare for a convo about gun violence, racism, stranger danger…
9yo: “I just keep thinking that a bird might think my hair is french fries and swoop and grab it.”
You know, you don’t have to buy a tiger to dispose of a body. Pigs will eat people too, bones and all.