@KalvinMacleod

Dave’s coming over

“Dave from work or loud and obvious Dave?”

[outside]
THE RAIN HAS MADE ME WET. I AM WEARING PANTS. MY EYES ARE BLINKING

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@jergarl

[7am]

*drinks 19 cups of coffee for work

*can’t stay awake

[9pm]

*takes a sip of coffee

[2am]

I should vacuum the dog

@Reverend_Scott

The year 2077. Due to the dog filter, face swap, and distortion filters, senior citizens have no idea what they really looked like as teens.

@robotrowboat

Me: So what’s this lowlife in for?
Zoo guide: Again, this isn’t animal prison

@WilliamRodgers

They say all good things must come to an end…

After 7 wonderful years of marriage…

I walked in on my wife…

Watching Twilight..

@hammbone84

Trivia Crack is much safer than regular crack, but it will still tear your family apart.

@comer310

Kid: Are you the babysitter?

Sting: Yes. Every breath you take. Every step you take. I’ll be watching you. It’ll be fun!

Kid: *horrified*

@juanadog

Saw a sign on the highway that said “Kill or Injure a Road Worker: $7,500” but it doesn’t tell me where to pick up the money…

@CMHorrocks

“There is no ‘I’ in team!” Steve Jobs yells at his iTeam.

@OctopusCaveman

Guy who invented the spelling of bologna: shoplifting is a misdemeanor but murder is a felogna