[David Attenborough narrating my life]
Once again the young offspring attempts to leave the nest. Once again he has flown into a wall
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Butterflies are like regular flies, but they live at Paula Deen’s house.
Wild bee: just getting snack
Me: no prob beeMason bee: just make house
Me: build a way bHoney bee:jus sampling the lavenders
Me: you know I got an assortmentBumble bee: hey *bonk* I jus *bonk* I h
Me: *holds flower still*Wasp: I’LL SEE U IN HELL
Me: U TELL THEM WHO SENT U
I don’t get the uproar over guns made with 3D printers. I mean how would anyone get a potential victim to put those glasses on anyway?
[in deep space]
Everyone: [in hypersleep]
Me: [wakes up every few hours to pee]
whole time I was thinking “how’s Popeye gonna top this shit” then this mf justs —
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: is there a doctor on board
ME: *standing up to get skittles from the overhead bin but now everyone is staring at me* yes i’m a doctor
The Seven Deadly Sins:
1. Envy
2. Gluttony
3. Greed
4. Lust
5. Pride
6. Calling Lego ‘Legos’
7. Wrath
*releases Olympic swimmer into the ocean*
You’re free now
People who end their sentences with Latin abbreviations usually don’t know what they’re talking about et al.
The best books are the ones that no matter how many times you burn them or bury them in the woods, they always wind up next to your bed.
Her: [eating lettuce for dinner] so yeah, with those 3 small changes, I lost 4% body fat.
Me: [eating a beer for dinner] fight me
When I was little and asked Mom how to spell a word she’d hand me a dictionary so when she asked how to do emojis I handed her a 13-year-old
….and you will know me by the trail of roaches l leave behind.
Two sales people approached me at the furniture store. I’m following the one who called me Miss. The Hello Ma’am one should take note.
[Romeo and Juliet as turtles]
ROMEO: Death hath sucked the honey of thy breath
JULIET: I’m just stuck on my back
R: we’re turtles, Juliet
[playing checkers]
him: king me
me: *places a crown on his head and incites a peasant rebellion that results in his public decapitation* checkmate
have we checked all food to see if exploding them makes them into something better or did we just stop with corn
My father gave me 3 pieces of advice
1. Don’t talk to strangers
2. Don’t do drugs
3. Don’t come into the garage when Deep Purple is blasting
Me, walking out of a store: *wow all these dudes are staring at ME? A middle aged mom? Ok. Yeah. Sure. I mean I guess I’m still hot maybe, ok yeah good for me*
Me, an hour later: *ok so I tucked my dress into my underwear a few hours ago I see that now NEVERTHELESS*
“Dammit. I had shit planned today.”
— a spider being carried out of the house with a cup and piece of paper
What do you get if you cross a bear and a wolf? You get eaten is what you get. Stop upsetting scary animals.
My friend reluctantly let her 10yo attend a birthday party before family pictures and asked that she do her best not to get muddy. She did not, however, specify that she shouldn’t get her face painted in camouflage. We’re all very excited for this year’s Christmas card.
The jerk store called. *removes hat* I’m afraid there’s been an accident.
beyoncé communicating with the dead is what i would call a seyoncé.
*throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic*
Wife: Hun, I don’t think “flipping the bird” means what you think it means.
I beg your pardon?
20s wristband:
After hours club.50s wristband:
Colonoscopy at the hospital.
Here’s a video of a guy putting a camera on a sushi conveyer belt. It’s wonderful. Every table has a little story!
A soulmate who doesn’t complete your sentences for you
That shit is annoying.
My husband never answers the phone when I need him!
When I need him: Middle of the afternoon, on a Tuesday, while he is at work, and there is not one but TWO wasps flying around the kitchen tormenting me.
SEND HELP!