[David Attenborough narrating my life]
Once again the young offspring attempts to leave the nest. Once again he has flown into a wall
You Might Also Like
me: [pooping in a basket]
hot air balloon pilot: ok everyone out.
me: tries to get every last possible drop out of a shampoo bottle so as not to waste any
also me: rinses away half a bar of soap to get a single hair off of it
Me: hi can I file for an exten—-
My accountant: already done we figured lol
Me: This spaghetti is spicy.
Aquarium Employee: Did you just bite an electric eel
I hate when I wake up in a strange house, & have to go outside to look at a license plate to figure out what state I’m in.
When you realize your football team sucks, and you just ate an entire bag of Halloween candy.
“Why am I not asleep?” he thought, while shining a beam of pure information directly into his eyes from eight inches away.
i feel like if the avengers were real we’d really really hate them
[alternate universe where vegetables enforce the law]
person: *sees a robbery* I’m calling the crops
Did you know?
Salmon swim upstream through intense water rapids to mate, lay eggs, then die. They leave their young to fend for themselves.
[Looks at my kids fighting over a piece of lint]
I think salmon have the right idea.
I think Mark Zuckerberg could have sold the Metaverse concept about 10000x better by just walking out and saying “why watch Shrek… when you can BE Shrek”
I’m not afraid to run into an ex here. Her tweets would be all lame like ‘my dog is cute’ and mine would be all cool like ‘I love you Susan’
Barney only he’s just a regular T Rex who doesn’t know why he’s been left in charge of young mammals or where their parents are, but he’s a total dad so he’s gonna do it.
Gosh, some tweeters are super nice.
One guy offered to trim my tree and another one wants to stuff my stockings!
Police: How are you feeling?
Me: I’m fine.
*polygraph explodes*
I bought a bowflex, it’s very confusing, how do I muscles? do I eat it? do I eat the bowflex?
My autocorrect changed “today’s meeting” to “today’s meltdown”.
Yes phone, that’s correct.
if ghosts r real why are there no dinosaur ghosts? think about that, but u won’t bc i just blew your mind with something called logic, idiot
My wife yelled from upstairs and asked, “Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone’s got a voodoo doll of you and they’re stabbing it?”
I replied “No…”
She responded: “How about now?”
Me: Dear Santa…
Santa: *scrolling my TL*
I’m going to just stop you right there.
FRIEND: Remember, women love confidence
ME: Ok[Later]
DATE: So *smiles* am I gonna have a good time tonight?
ME *confidently* nope
Welcome to your 40s: you can do yard work or you can walk tomorrow, your choice.
Cop: Suspect located, we’re in hot pursuit
Me: *rolling down window* I THINK YOU’RE CUTE TOO!
A hearty round of applause for Starbucks, please.
Soccer moms drinking from sports bottles. You’re not fooling anyone, we know you have wine in there and you should share.
My apartment is a mess, I should move
The best thing about Twitter is that I can reveal my deepest and darkest secrets and you dumbasses think I’m joking.
[dumping jar of pennies in front of the IRS]
How much not jail can I get with this many moneys?
thanksgiving is canceled? you mean I have to wait until next year for my family to get together and roast me mercilessly?
When I used to drink, by this time on a weekend y’all would’ve already seen me mostly naked. Y’all should be especially thankful for my sobriety.