David Attenborough, the confusing early years

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Neighbor: I need to run to the store. Can you watch the baby?
Me (thinks of Daredevil cued up on Netflix): I am a registered sex offender


I just peed in my bath. But don’t worry, I won’t drink the water.

– 4 year old logic


I’m the girl who shows up at a Halloween party where everyone is dressed as something sexy and I’m dressed as a bean bag.


BOSS: You’ve been picked for a random drug test

ME: Hold my bong


Back in the day my parents wanted me to marry only one of my own.
Now they’re like “That orangutan looks nice. That elephant looks smart.”


If you say liberry instead of library, we can definitely be friends because I will always feel like the smart friend


My son’s taking French and my daughter is learning sign language and now I have no idea what anyone’s talking about anymore.


Doctor: you have 2 weeks to live

Me: is there anything you can do?

Doctor: I can juggle

Me: nice I’ve always wanted to learn how to do that

Doctor: well it took me 3 weeks


I’d imagine the only thing worse then getting your period is not getting your period.


The Office: Coronavirus

Michael ignores the “work from home” memo because he thinks that everyone should be together at a time like this

Dwight acts completely normal & claims genetic immunity

Angela wears a hazmat suit

Kevin says that he’s had it for weeks & feels fine