Neighbor: I need to run to the store. Can you watch the baby?
Me (thinks of Daredevil cued up on Netflix): I am a registered sex offender
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I just peed in my bath. But don’t worry, I won’t drink the water.
– 4 year old logic
I’m the girl who shows up at a Halloween party where everyone is dressed as something sexy and I’m dressed as a bean bag.
BOSS: You’ve been picked for a random drug test
ME: Hold my bong
Back in the day my parents wanted me to marry only one of my own.
Now they’re like “That orangutan looks nice. That elephant looks smart.”
If you say liberry instead of library, we can definitely be friends because I will always feel like the smart friend
My son’s taking French and my daughter is learning sign language and now I have no idea what anyone’s talking about anymore.
Doctor: you have 2 weeks to live
Me: is there anything you can do?
Doctor: I can juggle
Me: nice I’ve always wanted to learn how to do that
Doctor: well it took me 3 weeks
I’d imagine the only thing worse then getting your period is not getting your period.
The Office: Coronavirus
Michael ignores the “work from home” memo because he thinks that everyone should be together at a time like this
Dwight acts completely normal & claims genetic immunity
Angela wears a hazmat suit
Kevin says that he’s had it for weeks & feels fine