David Attenborough, the confusing early years
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[dunk tank baptism] *to little boy* you only have 3 chances or this clown doesn’t get into heaven
“What’s up, doc?” says Bugs Bunny. “Not you,” laughs the doctor. “Take these little blue pills.”
*Looney Tunes music plays*
I don’t wear my apron because I’m never wearing clothes more expensive than the apron.
Do people who knit know about the industrial revolution?
11yo son just walked by.
If Axe was a drug, I’d be stoned right now.
I was sad until I automatically connected to the local McDonald’s WiFi, then I was ~extra~ sad.
Me: So I’ll see you Friday?
Friend: I can’t wait!
Me: FINE THEN FORGET IT
guy inventing jogging: how can i suffer but with music
Am I the only one who just buys a new printer when the ink is gone? Also, does anyone want to make a sweet printer fort?
My service cat has walked me into traffic 14 times today.
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
I’d be that girl in the movies that can’t successfully hide from the killer because my stomach growls.
I love you so much, I’ll just sit at home and stare at my phone to make you notice.
what do you mean I never take you anywhere we just took a 365 day trip around the sun
[high school]
Teacher: do u have your homework?
Ryan Lochte: I was murdered last night
[gf falls asleep during a movie]
ME: aw
[i get a blanket]
ME: *hitting her w/ the blanket* wake up ur missing the part with gollum’s riddles
this isn’t my first rodeo
– what my 5yr old just yelled as he wrote “rodeo” for the 2nd time
Ever look at your coworker and wonder “how are they still giving you a paycheck”?
Help me Obi Won Bacardi, I’m sobering up.
Instead of saying you lost your eyesight due to an explosion while you were making meth, just tell people that you were blinded by science.
I hop in a tanning bed during storms in the hopes of being struck by lightning & turned into a lame, but beautifully bronzed, superhero.
Hear me out: a candy necklace, but with onion rings.
interviewer: what do you know about excel?
me: *closing my eyes* 24th and 12th letter of the alphabet
My husband pissed me off so I bought another half-dozen throw pillows for our bed.
Unless your vacation pics contain a shark attack please keep them to yourself.
Wife: You should’ve written your best man speech
Me: Relax I can freestyle[Wedding]
Me: On Dave and Sarah’s big day, I’d like to
Dave *whispers in my ear*
Me: On Dave and Rebecca’s big day
*jolts awake*
*frantically searches around*WAIT A MINUTE!
THIS FEELS LIKE ONLY 47 PILLOWS!
*first day at gymnastics class*
Teacher: So you mentioned before you were really good at the bars? Let’s see it!
Me: Oh…um, sure? Hey man can I have 2 beers and round of shots for the table cheers bro.
Teacher: *under his breath* damn he’s good
6 year old: I ate all my lunch today!!
The evidence to the contrary:
me: i’m here for stabbing lessons
clerk: sir this is a fencing clu—
me: yeah whatever hand me a knife
clerk: …
me: dress me like a beekeeper