@TechnicallyRon

David Attenborough, the confusing early years

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@abbycohenwl

Neighbor: I need to run to the store. Can you watch the baby?
Me (thinks of Daredevil cued up on Netflix): I am a registered sex offender

@QuiteQuietOne

I just peed in my bath. But don’t worry, I won’t drink the water.

– 4 year old logic

@Phoebetate

I’m the girl who shows up at a Halloween party where everyone is dressed as something sexy and I’m dressed as a bean bag.

@funflaps

BOSS: You’ve been picked for a random drug test

ME: Hold my bong

@kathybotteas

Back in the day my parents wanted me to marry only one of my own.
Now they’re like “That orangutan looks nice. That elephant looks smart.”

@BoomBoomBetty

If you say liberry instead of library, we can definitely be friends because I will always feel like the smart friend

@ProudFFAalumni

My son’s taking French and my daughter is learning sign language and now I have no idea what anyone’s talking about anymore.

@PleaseBeGneiss

Doctor: you have 2 weeks to live

Me: is there anything you can do?

Doctor: I can juggle

Me: nice I’ve always wanted to learn how to do that

Doctor: well it took me 3 weeks

@attsmcjay

I’d imagine the only thing worse then getting your period is not getting your period.

@the_real_bnell

The Office: Coronavirus

Michael ignores the “work from home” memo because he thinks that everyone should be together at a time like this

Dwight acts completely normal & claims genetic immunity

Angela wears a hazmat suit

Kevin says that he’s had it for weeks & feels fine