David Attenborough, the confusing early years
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If you had a terrible childhood, you’ll be super-bummed out by Bank of America’s options for security questions.
hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
sory– i mean– u look so prety yes u do
batman is not as cool as u
Yesterday my colleague called me a ‘laptop murderer’ because I cut my computer in half to make it more portable. Does anyone else do this? Is it just me?
Children are so giving. For example, my kids gave me a cold.
My daughter says she saw a demon in her room. I’m tweeting this from the safety of my office wishing her a lot of luck.
Me: I have an imaginary gf.
Therapist: U can do better than that.
M: I know, it’s just–
T: I was talking to her.
FIRST FIVE MINUTES IN MUSEUM: wow, this artist was born in amsterdam in 1927 but didn’t start experimenting with clay until 1955 in america. the mound represents guilt and shame, i can see that
LAST FIVE MINUTES IN MUSEUM: *glances into new room* i get it
I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “She didn’t like me.”
Meat loaf is in the oven, potatoes are ready to boil and mash, and laundry’s almost done. Omg, I’m my imaginary wife.
Me: I’m a little self conscious with the lights on. Mind turning them out?
Doctor: Just turn your head and cough.
If I start learning from my mistakes how will anyone recognize me ?
*Hanging upside down with my arms folded across my chest* You’d better put that toilet seat down when you’re done!
Handmaid’s TALE not Handmaid’s Handbook
hitman: *assassinates banana* oh wait this is my shopping list
“Nobody wants to work anymore”
Bro nobody has ever wanted to work
Going out with a girl who works in cyber security next week so I’m gonna print out all my passwords and ask what she thinks
There’s a “Restore All” button on the paper shredder, right?
Me: I want you inside of me.
Him: Wow.
Me: That would be a scary thing to hear if I was a bear, huh?
Him: Why are you like this?
Date: Don’t tell anyone we met online. It’s embarrassing.
[Later]
Friend: Where’d you guys meet?
Me: Family reunion
This is a whole mood;
I looked out the window to enjoy the beautiful view of our mountains. I then looked over to the left toward the end of our driveway and I see my 10 yo and 8 yo. They were twerking whenever cars came by.
We have to move now.
Ghost Hunter is a cool job because as a kid I always thought how fun it would be to play make believe and get paid for it
me: what do you want from me
wife: a divorce
me: i meant for christmas
Note for writers:
If your characters are on the run from the law, they are “on the lam,” not “on the lamb.” Unless of course they happen to be escaping the cops by riding baby sheep to freedom.
There are people who will follow you for your Avi, so either look cute or put a pizza pic.
The most magical part of the holiday season is when my husband looks lovingly into my eyes and says, what did we get my mom for Christmas?
me: *cooking 47th meal of the day*
my kid: mom, let’s pretend the kitchen is a restaurant
me: *eye twitch intensifies*
me: another
bartender: *slides over pudding cup*
mfs get a macbook and all of a sudden they got work to do in public places
*playing Mortal Kombat*
Her: Can I try?
Me: Sure.
Her: Which one of them shoots that Handookie thingie?
Me: Hadouken?
Her: Yea.
Me: Leave.