[David Attenborough watching me when I overslept and have 5 minutes to get ready for work]
Extraordinary.
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Comedians shouldn’t joke about serious issues. They achieved perfection with slipping on banana peels and there was no need to innovate beyond that
Nonwriters: How do you write a book?
Writers: Well, you write and delete a lot. Then spend three hours researching, and correct it. Next you doubt your grasp on the english language and rewrite it again
Nonwriters: Then you’re done?
Writers: Then you start the next paragraph
“WHEN ARE U DUE?” WHAT DIFFERENCE COULD IT POSSIBLY MAKE IN YOUR LIFE AS A STRANGER AT THE GROCERY STORE
Nannying is like a stay at home mom internship
When I say things are going swimmingly, it’s important to note that I can’t swim.
Didn’t find out until I got to work that these exposed-shoulder tops are intended for women.
doctor: any history of cataracts in the family?
patient: yes, on my mother’s side
doctor: interesting [takes notes] people normally get it in their eyes
May we all have the confidence of my 9y/o who told his father after a week of playing ymca soccer…“Well, I’m pretty much 40% as good as Messi now…”
A recent study states that people should only shower every 3-4 days. “Stop being an idiot,” said one wife who lives in my house.
My parents were very inspirational, they used to say:
“You can do whatever you want in life, as long as you don’t do it here.”
coworker offered me a distressed bookshelf, like wtf did he do to that poor thing
Me: You should cut your toenails.
Wife: Huh?
M: You’re scratching my leg.
W: I’m WAY on the other side of the bed!
M: That’s kinda my point.
MY DAD (pounding on bathroom door): You’d better not be looking at mortgage rates again
I don’t know why I would ever look to Google for reassurance when it keeps me well-fed with headlines like, “The No. 1 Sign There’s a Snake in Your Car”
I learned two things today:
1) my mother-in-law is coming over for dinner
2) it takes me 1 hour 47 minutes to get home from work in idle
[wedding]
“Anyone know why these two should not be joined in marriage?”
ME: *from back* THEY’RE DOING A CASH BAR
*priest drops bible*
If I were a hairdresser, my business cards would say, “I’ll cut you.”
Uterus: cry
Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-
Uterus: CRY.
You guys know monogamy is NOT a type of wood, right?!?
Look, I know you really miss her. But, you know what? Sometimes things aren’t meant to be. One time I really wanted this waffle….
I hear you like horror movies
You should see me first thing in the morning when I forgot to take my makeup off
*winks forever*
I took my dog to see “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it. Which surprised me because he hated the book…
Why do people always talk in absolutes? I would never do that. It’s the worst.
Remember that Pi Day is just a made-up holiday invented by mathematicians to sell you more math.
me: brush your teeth
my kids: how fricking dare you want me to continue to have teeth
You’ll use a different oven for the pizza, right? RIGHT?
“You run like you’re making fun of running.” -my brother
It’s cute how Taco Bell gives you 2 little peppermints in the bag with your order, like thanks for your order, sorry about the diarrhea.
Women are like bacon: we look good, we smell good, we taste good and we will slowly kill you.
[Séance]
*knock, knock*
ME: Wh-who’s there?
[ouija board spells out A-T-C-H]
ME: atch who?
[spells out B-L-E-S-S-Y-O-U]
ME: Dammit, Grandpa!