[David Attenborough watching me when I overslept and have 5 minutes to get ready for work]
Extraordinary.
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Hey Doorknob, if I wanted something in my life that was hairy, condescending and using me for food, I would get a cat.
“No pain no gain” I whisper shoving in my 8th donut.
Check your privilege
When a comedian knocks someone up, is it called kidding?
[awkward silence while i drive my date home] in my defense some places let you draw on the menu
What’s your dream job? Mine’s either falling out of airplanes or giving presentations in my underwear.
Never thought I’d be the type of person who competes for attention. Then I got a cat.
Interviewer: How would you say the Queen’s response…
Prince William: Definitely not racistly!
Priest: do you take this woman
Me: I do
[Liam Neeson glares from the pews]
Me: -not
jurisprudence- an accused is innocent until proven guilty.
media- an accused is guilty until proven innocent.
colony aunty’s principle- guilty after proven innocent too.
Edward Scissorhands: You told me to put my hands up
Me: I said I was sorry
Other rollercoaster riders: *covered in chunks of duck*
My Onlyfans is just me drawing venn diagrams and giggling
I told my kid that we celebrate Valentine’s Day because it was on this day that Jesus got his first girlfriend and now I have another meeting with his teacher.
From my hospital bed it occurred to me, that i could never work in a hospital because there are too many opportunities to nap.
If you see me on my balcony practicing my karate, just keep driving…I don’t want you getting pregnant.
I sure hope skinny jeans are still in fashion. After all the calories I consumed over the holidays that’s what all my pants are now.
me: what’s the last episode of this show that I watched
hulu: I don’t see how that’s any of your business
*3am
Me: *thinking* That bird sounds pretty damn happy for the middle of the night.
Bird: *chirping* Dear God why can’t I sleep?!!!
My girlfriend wants me to stain the new wooden fence in her backyard. So I’m going to eat spaghetti over it for a few weeks
Thanks to Target’s full length 3 way mirrors, I’m now painfully aware I look like a melting candle from the back.
These boots were made for walking, and that’s just what they’ll do. One of these day–oh goddamn it. Did you glue these to the floor, Carl?!
I like to torture my kids by buying them a new Xbox game, and then taking them to the zoo all day.
I never remember names, so name dropping is basically useless around me.
The huge spider I bravely killed for my wife turned out to be a piece of thread. I’m not telling her.
Even the great philosophers made mistakes. Aristotle, for example, believed that groove was in the brain.
[Asking someone out]
Um…so do you want to come to my exorcism next week?
WANTED: OOMPA LOOMPAS
Main duties:
– Machine Maintenance
– Chocolate Production
– Quality Control
– Singing when kids die
Boss: You can’t or you won’t do it?
Me: Yes
Wife: We named you after Grandma
Me: Yes that was my idea!
Grandma: They all laugh at me at school
“Smells fresh. Like a tropical island.”
“Ok. Now take off the blindfold! Your family’s been dead in this car for a week! We Febrezed it!”