Here we see the weakest of the herd in its natural habitat.

[camera pans to me laying in bed eating cake]

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[to other patients in psychiatrist’s waiting room]

I’m not like you people. This is court mandated.


Me: *rolling up a dollar bill for my coke*

Date: holy shit you can’t do that in here

Me: but I can’t drink it without a straw


90% of the steps on my FiBit are just me wandering around looking for my keys


When the chips are down, be a good friend & say a few kind words to the chips. See if that helps.


Turns out you don’t need to have a large gathering to still argue about religion and politics.


I follow mattress delivery trucks around all day, because I like the smell of freshly braked bed.


I don’t just talk to myself. I talk to myself, get in a debate, lose, and then refuse to speak to myself for the rest of the day.


cop: what happened here?
boss: they attacked when he tried to inflate one of them
me inside enclosure: [with final breath] babloon


After proposing to her and she says NO, what’s Next?