DAVID ATTENBOROUGH:
Here we see the weakest of the herd in its natural habitat.
[camera pans to me laying in bed eating cake]
You Might Also Like
FYI those little crosses along the interstate aren’t for squirrel crucifixions. I was wrong. The article I wrote about this was wrong.
Me: No guts, no glory.
Skeleton: Wow, I鈥檓 like right here.
YouTuber: if you like this video smash that subscribe button
Hulk: way ahead of you bud
Never bring a bag of cement to a pillow fight.
Unless you want to win.
“Crunchy” peanut butter is just peanut butter that gave up in the process.
Don’t be like crunchy peanut butter.
Them: We don’t know enough to panic.
My Anxiety: Amateur!
Do all gothic horror stories have to be in ancestral family homes? I am too poor for generational hauntings.
(opens door)
Me: Staff meeting soon
CW: GET OUT!
M: Nice carpet
CW: SHUT THE DOOR!
M: Can I borrow some toilet paper? The next stall is out.
I was killing this rap battle until I said orange.
Optimus Prime鈥檚 mom walking in on him while he鈥檚 carjacking
I like to make things awkward at family gatherings by walking up behind each person and whispering ‘I know what you did last Christmas’
I don’t draw my eyebrows on because I can’t commit to one facial expression. What if I see a puppy? What if my house burns down?
[first date]
HER: I really like you
ME: I like you too
HER: So did you bring protection?
ME: *gesturing to my bodyguard* Yeah, this is Tony
As a young girl she played the game Operation and dreamed about the day she could illegally harvest vital organs in real life.
“What colour would you call this?”
“Fawn”
“What colour would you call this, o wise and beautiful identifier of colours?”
[Taylor Swift on toilet, going #2. Kanye jumps out of her shower]
“Yo, Taylor- I’m really happy for you & I’m-a let you finish, but…”
How to make-out –
1. Hold her close
2. Kiss passionately
3. Don’t mention the budget deficit or your father
“Please stop chasing your sisters with tarter sauce,” is something the parenting books didn’t warn me about.
Facebook’s forever reminding me about people’s birthdays like I sell cakes馃槖馃槖.
PSA: when the family come to identify the body don’t yell “abracadaver” as you remove the sheet.
[speed dating]
Me: “Facebook or Twitter?”
Her: “Face…”
Me: “Have a nice life.”
Zen master: Why are you still tweeting? The validation isn鈥檛 real.
Me: Neither are you.
Zen master: Oh bugger.
Her: How does she always know we鈥檙e taking her to the vet?
Him: I don鈥檛 know. Keep looking.
Co-Worker: You say apparently a lot.
Me: Yes, I know.
CW: It really bothers me.
M: Apparently so.
CW: You don’t care.
M: Apparently not.
10,000 chores when all you need is a nap
wife: “no one will remember dont worry”
me: “ok”
[2 mins into my high school reunion]
guy: “yo are you the dude that brought a dog to prom?”
*Three fingers stuck in my piggy bank
Firefighters: I鈥檓 not sure this is what they meant by stimulating the economy
My husband asked me why I never blink during sex, I told him there just isn’t enough time.
Sure sex is great but have you ever made the right amount of rice?
Doctor: The surgery was a success and your husband should wake up in a few hours.
My wife: I thought you said this surgery didn’t require for him to be unconscious?
Doctor: It didn’t but he started talking and-
My wife: I understand.