My 7yo asked her brother for a hug and it was the sweetest sibling moment, then off to school he went with a slap me sign on his back
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Wedlock even sounds like a threat.
How long do I need to wait after getting the vaccine before I can start wiping my boogers on strangers in public again?
DON’T TELL ME THAT PLANTS MAKING THEIR OWN FOOD ISNT AMAZING. THATS LIKE YOU GOING TO TACO BELL BUT THE TACOS WERE INSIDE YOU THE WHOLE TIME
ME: I have so many questions
SOOTHSAYER: forsooth
ME: Exactly lol
S: SOOTH
ME: Yeah so-
S: Sooth?
ME: You only say sooth eh
S: *nods* sooth
Went to bed with wet hair and woke up looking like I might know a lot about astrophysics
We ran out of eggnog last night so I put brandy in some pancake batter and nobody noticed.
Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
If you see me at a campground, that’s not me. It’s clearly a case of body snatching.
My brother just found out he’s having another kid. He’s playing it pretty cool, but let’s see how his wife reacts when she finds out.
*Goes to the store*
*Buys donughts, doughnut holes, and glue*
A Trojan ball of yarn shows up at the cat lady’s house and 40 squirrels come running out.
I just spent the day painting our fence. All I know is tomorrow I better be able to do karate.
Sometimes I want to be really rich but I also know I’d buy a beluga whale as a pet and get in the bad habit of hiring hit men too often so maybe it’s better.
*Telephone Rings*
Advice Nurse: Hello, how can I assist you today?
Werewolf: *sweating* CAN I EAT CHOCOLATE?
How do you explain this gap in your resume?
“I was in jail.”
Okay. Sure you weren’t working for Trump’s campaign?
“Swear to God. Jail.”
verbiage sounds like something you’re not getting enough of in your diet
ME: i’ve been feeling sick lately
FRIEND: maybe you should see a doctor
ME: *google image searches “doctor”* haha you’re right, they look awesome
my son’s smart watch kept calling its emergency contact, me, and when I answered it sounded like a trunk on a highway so I called his dad who said he’s right here, and I heard him ask my son where his watch was, “in my pants pocket” and his dad yelled “the pants in the washer?!”
I love when SVU recycles actors years later as if I won’t know this is the same woman who put a child in an igloo cooler and set it sail on the Hudson in 1999
Lesser known historical fact: Abraham Lincoln’s hat was so tall because he kept an upright Chipotle burrito in there
One thing you learn how to quickly do as a parent is to pretend to not have any money when you walk by vending machines.
Menopausal women would make great security guards. We are just waiting for someone to piss us off
I wasted so many years trying to fit in, covering my accent, starving myself, straightening my hair, and trying to make others like me. The moment i realized that wasn’t freedom and said NO MORE, my entire life changed!! We are always enough as we are❤️
When assembling your dog, please read the instructions carefully.
Pisces all day: Pisces at 3am:
“That’s so cool,” she lied.
I hope the guy who stole my debit card enjoys his $12 shopping spree.
Just watched Home Alone 4 with my kids. The writers should be sentenced to a semester of Physics 101 at a community college.
The best way to stop uninvited guests from stopping by your home is to always answer the door naked.
Loan officer: Mr. Minotaur, I’d love to help you but I dont think opening a china shop is a good idea.