it’s cool I can come out tonight my 11yo son gave me the go-ahead
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Dear twitter thank you for telling me it’s not my fault……but wtf
I can’t commit to plans with friends who wear fitbits.
-“No, I don’t want to take the stairs again, you psycho.”
My kid yelled she couldn’t wait to be an adult so I handed her the bills, threw the laundry on her bed, replaced her pizza with cauliflower, redirected my student loan calls to her phone and demanded she get me a snack every time she tried to go to the restroom.
If you lose a tooth in a bar fight and put it under your pillow, the tooth fairy will leave you $100 because you’re hardcore.
November is the Sunday of months. no I will not explain
*has elbow pain*
*checks WebMD*
*buys a burial plot*
Alright, I know you’re all wary of funding another Jurassic Park when all the others have ended in disaster, but I have 3 words that will blow your mind: Chance the Velocirapper
If your gym clothes don’t have sweat stains, I have just one question for you…..
…what detergent are you using?
Me: What do you think about that?
Him: *typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*5 minutes later
K
My wife let me remove all her clothes last night.
From the dryer.
The person who is your first and last thought of the day is either the one who has your heart, or who’s murder you’re secretly plotting.
wish I never spent that $20 my grandma gave me when I was 12, I could really use it right now
Watching someone cook is really sexy.
But I recommend you make sure they are unconscious before you put them in the pan.
when I’m sound asleep Sunday morning and someone rings the doorbell
Underwear and socks come in resealable bags but cereal and potato chips don’t.
My mom once called me at 3am to tell me some long lost relative died and hung up on me when I asked if they’d still be dead at 8am.
TAPE RECORDER: Your mission, should you choose to accept it
ME: *in my jammies* Mm, no.
A gym so fancy they call it a James.
Is it even the holidays if you don’t have at least one person wearing an inappropriate and inflammatory political shirt to dinner?
The CDC has increased the 3 second rule to 2 minutes.
Nobody in this meeting knows I have a McChicken in my pocket.
for dessert we’re having a discussion about why my girlfriend didn’t laugh at a joke i made 3 years ago
This dude messaged me to tell me to just block the dudes that annoy me so I replied “good idea” and then blocked him and he was so right it felt so great
Studies show that sleepwalking has decreased among Americans over the last 10 years. Typical lazy Americans.
Just heard Justin Bieber vowed not to return to the UK after his disastrous tour here.
Well done the UK. Well done.
Eye drops falling everywhere except my eyes is why I have trust issues.
4yo: Mommy? Mommy? Mommy? MOMMY? MOMMY? MOMMY?
Me, a Dad: Yeah???
4: …
4: MOMMY!!!
Me: Please stop asking me a question every five seconds. I just want to sit on this couch and rest.
Therapist: Umm…you do know where you are, right?
Me: AGAIN with the questions!!
The first thing I’m going to do when I’m rich is buy an airline flight for everyone who works at the DMV and then delay the flight forever.
You can pretty much tell me anything is an anagram and I’ll believe it. I’m not about to rearrange a bunch of letters like some doctor