DAVID BLAINE: *cracks open egg, butterfly flies out*
ME: cmon man
DB: *cracks open 2nd egg, 9 of clubs pops out*
ME: I’m so hungry, David
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Organ harvesting really creeps me out, so I’m doing what I can to make mine unsalvageable.
You spin me right round, baby, right round…
~ my Roomba at night probably
I may seem confident on the outside but deep down on the inside I remember every time I’ve accidentally leaned on a light switch.
I asked my friend if he wanted a drink and he said to surprise him so I brought back a side salad.
If Christian Bale’s voice as Batman were any more throaty, that dude would be talking Arabic.
A guy in line next to me just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
4: mom can I sing just a short song?
me: yes
4: ok its only just three hours long I promise
narrator: it was in fact, only just three hours long
No one:
My brain: the word ‘platitude’ kinda just sounds like a platypus with an attitude
I’m perfectly happy to listen to the opinion of anyone who agrees with me.
Me: throwing a ball
My dog: it is as the prophecy foretold
One of my co-workers just called the elevator a “vator”. Anyways, long story short, this is my one phone call…
Cashier: “Look at all this candy! You’re going to have a lot of happy kids this Halloween”
Me: “It’s Halloween?”
Lil Brain – Out of Leads
My neighbours were loud and rowdy last night til 3:30, waking up our kids.
So now my husband is outside starting up the leaf blower and table saw at 9am, in case you wondered what middle class suburban feuds in Canada looked like.
the three branches of government
My husband: (from the other room) Can you give me an update?
Me: Um, can you be more specific?
Husband: Let’s focus on this week’s developments
Me: Ok, so I’m trying a different dish soap because-
Him: (peeks head in) Can you please stop that? I’m on a work call
cutie flirting w/ me: “Excuse me, how much does a polar bear weigh?” 😉
me, trying to be helpful: “An average male polar bear weighs up to 1,500lbs!”
cutie: “…’enough to break the ice’?”
me: “Haha I hope not, but climate change is having disastrous effects on their habitat!”
[portrait studio]
ARTIST: I charge $50 per limb, because limbs are difficult to draw
ME: How much to draw me from the side?
ARTIST: That’ll cost you an arm and a leg
#Caturday
Me: If I’m guilty of anything, it’s hating the way you change the subject
Judge: And all the murders you did
Me: There you go again
I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one today.
Anyway. Monkey for sale.
“Enjoying your day off?” – what Jewish people say to each other on Christmas.
*eats way too much delicious space pudding*
Me: Oof I am STUFFED! What’d you call this again?
Alien Chef: OH MY GOD YOU ATE MY GRANDMOTHER!
turns out Xenophobia is not ‘A fear of Warrior Princesses’
when you’re a parent you can expect to find a banana anywhere. ANYWHERE.
“Please go play with your brother. That’s basically the reason we had him.”
Him: The dog ate your take-home final?
Me: Yeah.
Him: So what happened?
Me: Well, a few hours later-
Him: Oh, no.
Me: -he passed the test.
I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.
Lmao at people who ‘play Devil’s advocate’ like Lucifer doesn’t already own all the lawyers.
Summer break is cool because I won’t be alone for the next 2000 hours of my life but at least I won’t have to pack anyone a lunch.