@robotrowboat

David Bowie: We can be heroes
Me: No thanks
David Bowie: Just for one—
Me: I said I’m not interested

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@GuyBreakup

BF: I’m hungry. Wanna go out to eat?

GF: I look like hell. We can’t go out to eat.

BF: You look good enough to go to Waffle House.

GF: [eyes narrow]

@RidiculousSheri

Everyone seems so happy for you until they realize your baby carrier is just filled with mozzarella sticks.

@daddydoubts

My kid just said good nightmare instead of goodnight, so no, I will not be sleeping this evening.

@_xLNc

My father once told me, “Son, if you want people to listen to what you have to say, claim it’s something your father told you.”

@LittleMissAngr1

My neighbours complained about me dancing naked in my backyard last night. It’s like they don’t even know how necromancy works.

@aotakeo

[3am]

me: *sleeping*

brain: omg you’re late for work!

me: oh shit *jumps out of bed*

brain: lmao you’re so gullible

@fro_vo

[bug school]
TEACHER: okay class, who knows the first 2 letters of the alphabet
A BEE: *proudly raises hand*