David Bowie: We can be heroes
Me: No thanks
David Bowie: Just for one—
Me: I said I’m not interested
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I once worked with a girl named Brittanica…she was a bit aloof though I didn’t really know how to read her
*I reach for the thermostat*
*my dad runs in barking*
*neighbor’s dad starts barking*
*within seconds all the neighborhood dads are barking*
I asked my doctor if this heavily advertised, extremely ineffective medicine with many frightening side effects might be right for me.
When I was a kid I vowed that when I grew up my freezer would always be filled with ice cream bars.
Meet my wife, the dream killer.
My wife and I always eat dinner as fast as possible so we can have a popsicle.
We are 47 years old.
This TikTok trend might be my favorite so far
I feel it is only fair for a recipe to indicate up front how many burners it requires. For example a 3 burner recipe would be a no.
[driving test]
me: did I pass?driving instructor, on Zoom: I literally have no idea, this isn’t legal
spider-man is good at witty comebacks, because with great power comes great response ability
i like the aisle seat on a flight because it gives me power over the other two people next to me. you wanna go to the bathroom? need to grab something from your bag in the overhead? better ask my permission. i’m the king of row 37 bud
*grabs walmart intercom*
WHY DID YOU LET ME GRAB THIS INTERCOM? I DON’T EVEN WORK HERE
*fighting noises*
YOU’RE GONNA LOSE YOUR JOB
“Let’s tape a spider to a lobster and scare the shit out of everyone forever.”
-God making scorpions
Aliens: take me to your leader
Me: Hey babe, is it okay if we have company?
For two years in high school, I took guitar lessons. Something interesting I learned is that guitar resale nets a 45% loss.
Thinking about getting a nutritional value label tattooed on my inner thigh.
Never call it a guest room.
That’s just asking for trouble.
Her, 6: I have a secret
Me: What is it?
Her: I’m not gonna tell you… but it’s about a marker
Me: Oh no
Her: yeeeah
HUSBAND: What should Santa get you for Christmas?
ME: A tennis ball machine filled with mini donuts?
HUSBAND: Powdered or chocolate?
ME: I love you.
Dating is just deciding if you like a person more than being lonely, then choosing wrong.
MI5 warned today that Chinese espionage online is being conducted on an ‘epic scale’ in the U.K. Not on our watch, our security systems are 世界上最好的之一。
I don’t have an angel and a devil on my shoulders.
It’s just two devils fighting over who’s gonna get me in the most trouble.
It’s just too late in the day for me to investigate the overwhelmingly strong mustard smell in my kids’ bathroom.
Me: We will leave in a little bit
8: After you put your makeup on?
Me: I have my makeup on!
8: Oh *pause*…you look very pretty
Looks at today’s news…. hears Benny Hill theme.
I have never seen an alcohol company using a drunk person for any advertising, are they ashamed of their customers?
my therapist gave me her cell phone number.
and I’m supposed to be the crazy one.
*watching tv
Me: “Don’t just stand there, idiot! Run! Escape while there’s still time! God, I can’t watch”
Wife: (turns off wedding video)
HOT LOCAL SINGLES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOUR CREDIT CARD NUMBER.
The Secret Service are so bad at their jobs. Everyone’s heard of them.
If a woman asks if you “notice anything new” tell her “I do, your beauty surprises me every day.” Then continue thinking about velociraptors