David Bowie: We can be heroes
Me: No thanks
David Bowie: Just for one—
Me: I said I’m not interested

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BF: I’m hungry. Wanna go out to eat?

GF: I look like hell. We can’t go out to eat.

BF: You look good enough to go to Waffle House.

GF: [eyes narrow]


Everyone seems so happy for you until they realize your baby carrier is just filled with mozzarella sticks.


My kid just said good nightmare instead of goodnight, so no, I will not be sleeping this evening.


My father once told me, “Son, if you want people to listen to what you have to say, claim it’s something your father told you.”


My neighbours complained about me dancing naked in my backyard last night. It’s like they don’t even know how necromancy works.



me: *sleeping*

brain: omg you’re late for work!

me: oh shit *jumps out of bed*

brain: lmao you’re so gullible


[bug school]
TEACHER: okay class, who knows the first 2 letters of the alphabet
A BEE: *proudly raises hand*