David Duke says Jews aren’t white. Eric Trump says Democrats aren’t people. So I guess today begins my new life as a purple dragon.

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Girl: I dumped my last boyfriend cause he always gave short answers. I never knew what he was thinking. That’s so annoying, right?

Me: Word


Every time I use <3 in an @ to someone, I can’t help but think, “Please accept this carrot with balls as a token of how much I heart you.”


The road to Hell was paved with good intentions, but my flower girl did a lovely job with the petals, too.


LOVED ONES: When I die, I want you to throw a sad party where you all look at my dead body
US, FOR SOME REASON: Ok that’s no problem


In Japan, they are celebrating their position as the most educated country in the world.

Here in America it’s National Cheeseburger Day.


Whoa, whoa whoa…

I only lick people on the street when I need them to get out of my way.


Me: I need a simple, easy hobby to relax and clear my mind

Also me: I will teach myself metalworking techniques from the Middle Ages


Man texted: “I want you to be my little angle.”
I answered: “Do you want me to be obtuse, right, or acute?”

Two days have passed, no reply.


PayPal: For when your wallet is all the way on the other side of the room.