David Hasselhoff saves money on tailored shirts by not ordering the first 5 buttons.
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I want my funeral to be invitation only. There are people I don’t want to be around even if I’m dead.
I didn’t realise until today’s walk around Peebles that I could have a favourite road sign.
Hey teachers, stop giving my kids homework that includes stuff for me to do. I HAVE ALREADY GRADUATED.
Sincerely, every parent everywhere.
Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
Traffic fantasy:
– Someone does something stupid
– I give them “the look”
– They learn their lesson
– The roads are safer because of me
Kids are away so I’m taking my wife out tonight.
-Like with an assassin or are you doing it yourself?
Um, like…to dinner.
-Cool, cool.
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul…to keep…
If I shall die before I wake–
Yah, I really don’t like where this is going.
can’t get the dune theme tune out of my head (dune dune dune, now lemme hear you say way-oh)
Bad weather is My way of temporarily punishing you. Bad climate is your way of permanently punishing you.
*hears dogs bark*
“I’ve been caught stealing
once when I was 5.”
If you haven’t tried blindfold archery you should give it a go, you don’t know what you’re missing.
Newlyweds: What is mine is yours and what is yours is mine.
Married 10 years: You’re sitting in the dog’s spot.
Damn boy, are you leftover pizza in the fridge? Because I’ve been thinking about you all night…
[FIRST DATE]
Me, opening mouth seductively: “And this is where I burned my tongue on pizza, and this is where I burned my tongue on fries, a
Looking for a get well soon card but they’re all so inspirational and sappy why not something simple like “I hope you make it through this but if not say what’s up to god for me”
Destined to be a firefighter from birth.
Me: Wow, I love your new yoga pants!
Wife: Thanks. Can I have them back?
Pfizer: Our new Covid vaccine needs to be stored at minus seventy degrees which will create logistics issues.
My wife: Would you like to use our bedroom?
My goal weight is to stop hearing ‘you have a great personality’
[wife walking in the door after work]
WIFE: I had just had the worst… why are our kids in the dog cage?
ME: a hello would be nice.
Me: What happened to all the bourbon?
Her: Oh, I put it in the chicken.
Me: Then pour me a glass of chicken.
My reaction to being on a flight with a lot of kids is that I really wish they made light up theme sneakers in my size
I owe my mom for pretty much all of who I am.
So, if you’re looking for someone to blame, there you go.
When faced with a dilemma, I just whisper softly to myself
” What would Homer Simpson do?”
what’s the deal with “airplane food?” newsflash, jerry: it’s called jet fuel.
*First Date*
Me: I really like what you tried to do with what’s left of your hair.
Ever say hi to someone and immediately regret it because now you know you have to say hi to them forever?
me: I saw our neighbor walking his dog at 6 AM and he looked so unhappy
wife: maybe the two are related?
me: no, I think they’re just good friends
A fun thing to do is sit on the couch with black buttons over your eyes while your kids watch Coraline, then wait for them to notice.