If you are petting a small dog in your lap, it is important to let everyone else in the zoom meeting know what you are doing with your hand.
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[Airport security supervillain screening]
AGENT: Spell ‘haha’
ME: OK, ‘M’,–
AGENT: ur under arrest
My camera roll is 25% my kids and 75% things I couldn’t read and had to make bigger.
You can pronounce it “Nude Jersey” and no one will know
Her: Where do you work?
Me (trying to get laid): I’m a Doctor…
Her: *starts choking on food*
Me: …on a TV show
cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
me *tries to quietly open a can of beer*
E-Cigs. The great taste of water vapor, the cool look of blowing a flashlight.
The best kind of Sundays are the ones where you thought you finished the cake but then you find more cake
*walks into alma mater carrying English degree*
I’d like a refund, please. This did not work as promised.
*trips over an ice cube dropped on the floor*
Me: This is JUST like the Titanic!!
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
Stop telling the people you don’t agree with to go to hell or we’re gonna be surrounded by people we don’t like.
[Christina Aguilera begins singing the lyrics ‘You Are Beautiful’ at her concert, notices me in the audience, and abruptly stops]
Will I. Am’s headstone will read “Will I. Was,” completing history’s longest set-up to a punchline
Chicken salad is just like regular salad except, it’s afraid of the dark.
I’m not saying it’s been a while, but, the last time a girl got down on her knees for me, she showed me how to tie my shoelaces.
When there were a lot footprints in the sand, that was a bunch of jesus’s chasing you
I just know they’re trying to reach him about an extended warranty.
CAR SALESMAN: How can I help you?
ME: I’m looking to immediately lose money on a terrible investment.
CAR SALESMAN: That’s my specialty.
Me: I can never tell what girls want
Her: Flirt with me. Whisper sexy things in my ear.
Me: Like…in a friend kinda way?
Shah Jahan built the Taj Mahal as a tribute to his wife but sure, the book shelf looks great.
I was so devastated by my divorce that I barely finished the eleventh grade…
“And then we’ll have the throat hole open up and a rectangle candy will drop from it. Kids will love it.” ~ Inventors of Pez dispensers.
STOP MAKING IT WEIRD
Me: it’s not about how many times you fall, it’s about how many times you get back up
cop: that’s not how field sobriety tests work
I meant to type “I look forward to seeing you soon.” Unfortunately, one of our biggest clients is going to receive an email that ends with “I look forward to seeing you poop.”
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship No, I don’t think we are on the same page.
[First day as a henchman in a video game]
Me: how about we safely store these red flammable barrels somewhere instead of using them for cover?
This is a terrible time for kidnappers.
If someone stands you up and doesn’t call, stay positive. They could be dead.
SHAGGY: what did the vet say you have
SCOOBY DOO: rabies
SHAGGY: zoinks i didn’t even know you could get pregnant