Day 1: Buys $8.00
organic raspberries.Day 2: Moldy.
Repeat weekly.
You Might Also Like
wait.
Who needs a bull in a china shop when you have a 2-year-old contemplating Grandma’s figurine collection?
Harry Potter and the Uber of Eats
I just found a quarter in the vending machine, if anyone is looking for a sugar mama.
Where in the hell are Dora the Explorer’s parents? Do they know she’s riding a damn crocodile into a volcano?
[first date]
Adam: *puts phone face down on the table* hey
Eve: interesting, are you afraid I’ll see a text from another woman
Adam: *rubbing the bridge of his nose* how could that even be possible
Pro tip: If you keep a glass of wine in each hand you can’t accidentally touch your face.
This time last night, there was a spider so big in my bathroom it put me under a glass on a postcard and carried me out.
Whoever put the ‘b’ in subtle was a clever bastard.
me: [wearing a wire] ok i’m inside the drug dealer’s house
drug dealer: who are you talking to
me: [lowering my voice] he knows
I used to love pretending I was Captain America and flinging a garbage can lid at kids in the neighborhood. But then my wife made me stop.
If someone catches you doing something inappropriate don’t stop, just do it slowly while keeping eye contact.
Blues songs are about being sad, which is why so many of them begin with “I woke up this morning.”
“You know that’s not even a word, right?” I said, condescendingatively
I don’t need a security alarm because I leave all my shoes in a pile inside the front door.
Age is somewhat irrelevant as “seen some shit” years will age you faster than anything else.
[at job interview]
It says here that you are very hands on.
Yes, sir, I am.
Can you give me an example of this?
*gently caresses his face*
*bursts into English convention*
GRAB ALL THE STUFF YOU CAME WITH THE BUILDING’S ON FIRE
*crickets*
Christ. THE STUFF WITH WHICH YOU CAME
I can easily make lemonade, but I have no idea what to do when life gives me a fitted sheet.
(A world where everyone is named Bethany)
Bethany: what should we name our child?
Bethany: Bethany
Ruin your teen’s day by singing the wrong words to their favorite song.
People who say ‘have a nice day’, like I planned this shit show
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
1yo: *walking*
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
6yo: *riding two-wheeler*
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
16yo: *pouring milk into cereal without spilling*
“Kids are great when you need help around the house.”
– People who don’t have kids
God created women and the devil taught her to smile.
[ asteroid approaching earth ]
me: *slapping baseball mitt*
Me: *Trying to sneak to the fridge for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
Seth Rogen and James Franco having their movie pulled due to terrorist threats sounds like the plot of a Seth Rogen and James Franco movie.
My dance moves are best described as a woman trying to put on pants 4 sizes too small, with a wasp flying around her head.