I waited for so long at the doctor’s office that by the time they called me it was time for my follow-up appointment.
day 1: dear diary i have been stranded on a desert island
day 18: im starting to think that help will never come
day 120: i was rescued by a couple fishermen!
day 121: i have been dropped back off on the island because i kept saying “thank cod u guys found me” to the fishermen
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Friend: hey man what happened to your hand?
Me: just a little boo boo.
Friend: so I see. Is that a paw patrol band-aid?
Me: you know damn well it’s a paw patrol band-aid Steve.
[first day of quidditch practice]
Remember kids, witches get snitches.
I was born to be wild, but only until around 9:30
got a brief look into where nevada ballots are being counted and it’s just a bunch of sleeping cats
[taking a walk with mom]
Me: *steps on a crack and hears a woman scream*
Mom: I guess now is the time to tell you that you’re adopted.
Hank is one in a melon.
Putting on mascara without opening my mouth is on my bucket list
twitter: you don’t owe ANYONE an explanation. ghost him. it’s called SELF CARE
twitter the next day: ghosting is literally physical abuse. DO NOT under any circumstances ghost ANYONE because they will likely decide to take their own life and you will be held solely responsible.
Some nights I stare at the stars wondering if you can see the same ones
Then I realize, of course you can, I’m in your backyard