@bobvulfov

day 1: dear diary i have been stranded on a desert island

day 18: im starting to think that help will never come

day 120: i was rescued by a couple fishermen!

day 121: i have been dropped back off on the island because i kept saying “thank cod u guys found me” to the fishermen

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@SardonicTart

I waited for so long at the doctor’s office that by the time they called me it was time for my follow-up appointment.

@daddydoubts

Friend: hey man what happened to your hand?

Me: just a little boo boo.

Friend: so I see. Is that a paw patrol band-aid?

Me: you know damn well it’s a paw patrol band-aid Steve.

@mela_shea

[first day of quidditch practice]

Remember kids, witches get snitches.

@andlikelaura

got a brief look into where nevada ballots are being counted and it’s just a bunch of sleeping cats

@AtticusFinch79

[taking a walk with mom]

Me: *steps on a crack and hears a woman scream*

Mom: I guess now is the time to tell you that you’re adopted.

@junejuly12

Putting on mascara without opening my mouth is on my bucket list

@bIondiewasabi

twitter: you don’t owe ANYONE an explanation. ghost him. it’s called SELF CARE

twitter the next day: ghosting is literally physical abuse. DO NOT under any circumstances ghost ANYONE because they will likely decide to take their own life and you will be held solely responsible.

@Marcisgoinham

Some nights I stare at the stars wondering if you can see the same ones

Then I realize, of course you can, I’m in your backyard