Doctor: It’s really not that bad. I’ll get you fixed up with 8 stitches.
Me, uninsured: Do I hear 5 stitches?
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One fist-bump from a cool black dude is worth 5 years of my parents loving me.
Water is the solution to any problem… Do you want to lose weight? Drink more water. Stressful day? Take a warm bath. Tired of annoying people? Drown them.
Welcome to your fifties, you take the elevator instead of the stairs now and you still pull a muscle.
Found some beef jerky under my kid’s pillow, and now I have some questions for the tooth fairy
Builder: The developer just called and told us not to install the bidets.
Contractor: What are we supposed to do with all these bidets?
Builder: We’ll just take it bidet by bidet.
HER: [parallel parking] i’m so bad at this
HIM: you should probably get tested
HER: lol it’s not that bad
HIM: i have chlamydia
[Friday 5pm]
Me: *shutting down computer*
Computer: have a good weekend 🙂
[Monday 8am]
Me: omg you’re still on
Computer: *shaking from exhaustion* would u like to save this
Roses are red, you always mattered,
Old people may not know how to use a cell phone, but they sure can drive like they’re on one.
My kitchen drawer was stuck but my husband got it open. I guess all it needed was a big jerk.
Felt like my car was going to blow over from this wind today. I feel bad for the smart cars that are probably stuck in trees.
Interviewer: can I get you anything?
Me: yea a job
Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’
Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph
Born to Do Math
#GeekySongsAndShows
Interviewer: Why should we hire you?
Me: Well, if you hire me, I will make all of your other employees look FANTASTIC by comparison.
My husband just walked in on me getting a pretty intimate backrub from this one wall corner in the kitchen and suggested we get a room.
temp agency: can you do retail
lizard: yes
Panera VP of Marketing: Our sales have gone up 41% since our lemonade killed two people.
CEO: Dang it. That means-
Panera VP of Marketing: Yes, we have to put a gun inside our buffalo chicken melt.
I’m not saying my family watches too much tv, but our 5yo just stood up from our family campfire and asked me to pause it.
When I have a daughter I’m naming her Leroy. No guy will ever say “Yo bro I hooked up with Leroy last night” how would that sound?
You’re not a geek or a nerd because you always have to have the latest high tech gadgets and electronics. YOU’RE RICH
Hey did you know that if you step on the gas and brake at the same time your car takes a screenshot.
A new fast-food joint called, Bish Wut U Want. The drive-thru greeting will be, Bish Wut U Want?
Thing Two has its alarm set for 7 AM, so I’m starting to meow now, at 6:25 AM. I want it to be ready for the alarm.
I’ve achieved absentee parent status by leaving my dog alone for 27 minutes
Person: you only live once
Me: that is the best news I’ve heard all day
Me checking my bank balance online.
Ohh, no thanks. I have seen a baby before
It’s only Canoodling if it’s with an actual Canadian.
Otherwise it’s just store brand noodling.
Me: did I pass?
Driving instructor: *swimming away* no