@IndecisiveJones

[day 1 of covid homeschooling]

me: alright, it says we have to do some-

8yo: *bursts into tears*

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@chrissyteigen

I really really really really clearly am not a PC type of gal but I’m a little weirded out at the oriental dressing option on my flight

@IamEveryDayPpl

That awkward moment when you flirt with a guy whose staring at you in the Waffle House, but really he just died there with his eyes open…

@Lisabug74

I successfully cleared a path from the front door to the TV. Now I can watch Hoarders.

@mccoy_paul

While those 2 guys at the bar were just fantasizing about what they’d do with powerball winnings, I stole their ticket.

@causticbob

My neighbours are loud and obnoxious. Now I know how Canada feels.

@KentWGraham

My wife and I trade off on bathroom cleaning. She avoids it one weekend, I avoid it the next.

@o__0Dev

The average Apple employee works 6 hours longer a day than an Apple battery.

@CornOnTheGoblin

sisqo: [filing a missing persons’ report] she had dumps like a truck
cop: i keep telling you, i don’t know what that means

@withanewname

Friend: Bro, those were sick fireworks! Sorry about your eye, but I think the ER may be busy.

Me: No worries, my wife made reservations.