Using self-checkout lane so I don’t have to interact with anyone.
Scans first item.
Register: … “Please wait for assistance.”
You Might Also Like
My mother: What color do you look good in?
Me: Not the one I’m wearing right now, apparently.
The bank refused to approve my loan without collateral so I reached into my purse and pulled out three avocados.
Doctor: How your diet?
Me: My what now?
Pro tip: never tell a three-year-old that you’re going to Disney unless you plan on leaving that very second.
No more eating spaghetti while driving and this time I mean it.
To all my new moms, I highly recommend you start working on that upper body strength. Because you’re going to need to to haul a kicking toddler around football style.
[sequel to Thor Ragnarok]
ME: *buying tickets for me and 3 friends* Four for Thor 4 at 4:44, por favor
CINEMA GUY: *for the 6th time this week* Please stop doing this
You know when you do Secret Santa and you give the person a gift card, glove and scarf set in handmade gift bag you sewed yourself and you get a stained coffee mug with Halloween candy in it?
That.
I have to admit, I never thought our son would go that far.
Me neither. This trebuchet is marvellous. Let’s get the cat.
#CatDay #RubbishJokes
#MondayMorning
Don’t you hate it when you leave your gym bag in the hot car and all your Hershey Bars melt?
yeah baby i am an animal in bed. more specifically a koala. i can sleep for 22 hours a day
Welcome to the dark side.
We have….Well, we can’t see what we have. It’s dark.
me: looking for a dining table to enhance the ✨aesthetic👄 of my apartment
also me: egge?? 😮
When you order 20 bananas and end up with 20 *bunches*…
DND allows you to play out even the most impossible fantasies, such as:
-Speaking multiple languages
-Traveling with friends
-Being Charismatic
-Waking up Early
-Having money
me trying to get a bartender’s attention
“Be strong” I whisper to my coffee.
Fan girl on the devil when you arrive in hell by telling him you’re a huge fan of his food cake
coworker: how was your weekend?
me: sucked, I had to move
coworker: you sold your house?
me: no, my wife made me get off the couch
You can’t break me, kid. My generation survived dial-up AOL and texting on a flip phone.
My 16 y/o plays this hilarious game where he loses something, accuses everyone in the house of “moving it,” then finds it under his bed.
Mirror, mirror on the wall, was the dwarfs’ mother high when she named them all?
Facebook’s targeted ads think I have a cat.
I don’t, but I visited a friend with one and talked about it out loud.
The most powerful spy software in the world is trying to sell me kitty litter.
Skynet is here and it’s lame as hell.
[throwing a party]
I invited Judas. That okay?
“Judas from IT, or the guy who betrayed Jesu-”
*loud knock*
“It’s the Roman legion. Open up!”
When I eat a banana it’s not sexual. It’s in memory of my dead husband, who was killed in a terrible innuendo accident
Probably the reason planes don’t have horns is that no one could resist how funny it’d be to honk it a bunch as you crash into a mountain
Guy at Q&A when there’s only 2 minutes for questions: hi! First of all I just wanted to say thank you so much for sharing this amazing work of art with all of us, I can easily say we’re all honored to be able to see this film in such a great venue. Let’s give it up for the staff…
Stuck behind a school bus & locked in an intense staring contest w/ a kid at the back. I’m 45 min. off course but I’m not gonna let him win.
My mother is the strongest woman I know.
You should see how far she could throw a shoe.
I’m a really friendly person unless you try and make small talk with me