– Day 1 of gluten free diet:
I feel like a new person and I love my life.
– Day 2:
I have eaten the neighbors bird and joined ISIS.

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Does the S in iPhone 5S stand for “superficial”? “Shallow”? “Slave”? Or “soon to be obsolete”?


Ok parents who have really clean houses, do you have outdoor pets and outdoor kids? How does this work?


Worst Betrayals in History:
– Judas turning on Jesus
– Brutus helping to murder Caesar
– Verizon guy going to work for Sprint


The zombie I shot earlier may have just been a kid with chapped lips. I don’t take any chances.


M: Twitter has helped me tremendously as a writer, as it demands tightness and brevity.
Friend: What do you write?
M: Oh, only tweets now.


People with little chains that go from a nose piercing to an earring probably just got sick of losing their ears.


Me: But where do you see this relationship in five years?
Her: Sir! For the last time, do you want extra cheese or not?


11YR OLD: dad, are we poor?

ME: we are rich in love…we are rich in laughter

11: so we’re poor

M: yes


*dusts off treadmill*

Alright, that’s enough cardio for one day.


if ur worried ur not gonna get a New Years Eve kiss just remember that Valentines Day is in 45 days n ur probably gonna b alone for that too