*runs into a burning building to save the fire*
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I made an appointment for laser hair removal then remembered that I don’t have any laser hair.
I’m exactly like Rambo if his bandolier was full of breakfast sandwiches
Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.
Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?
My 7-year-old asked if people still need to go to the dentist in Heaven so I told her the truth, dentists don’t go to Heaven.
Hot Dads in ur Area Are Disappointed in ur Browser History Especially the One ur Watching Right Now With Midgets Dressed Like Dinosaurs
I’m half potato on my dad’s side
Cats (2019)
Under the age of one, babies primarily drink milk, but may supplement their diet with all the crumbs they find on the floor even though you swear you just vacuumed.
When Sting dies I’m calling him Stung.
[Me as a Sunday school teacher]
…then on the third day Odin went to Valhalla so that warriors who died in battle would have eternal life.
I bet you’ll watch the cell phone camera footage of this concert for years & remember the fun you had holding up a cell phone at a concert.
My son’s default mode is “protester being dragged out of a political rally.”
Just got a cramp in my side so that’ll teach me for getting off the couch.
We’ve replaced the names of the foreign countries & leaders in Trump’s speech with the names of IKEA® furniture. Let’s see if he notices
Adulthood is leaving the house, then two minutes later try to remember whether you locked the front door.
After killing a spider I wrap the web around his neck and hang him from the wall to make it look like a suicide.
Why is judge the only job where you can bang a little hammer to make people shut up I’ve needed that in literally every job I’ve had
When asked if I was good with my hands I said “sure, I guess, but sometimes i’m naughty with them too”
One of my biggest fear is being chased by Usain Bolt during zombie apocalypse.
Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow
Bees disappearing is worrisome because of the environment but also there’s the possibility of invisible bees.
I used to have a friend who was trying to name her soon-to-be-born son, and she confided in me that the hardest part of pregnancy was not drinking. I suggested she name the kid “Chip,” like an AA chip, and I laughed and laughed. We’re not friends anymore
Welcome to your late 40s. You now have car glasses, office glasses, living room glasses, and bedroom glasses.
yes… yes…
6 months ago I started a journey to transform my body to prove that anything was possible. You have to want it. You have to wake up everyday and put in the work and thats why I haven’t started.
People at HIIT class who warm up before the trainer starts the warm up how warm do you really need to be?
my favorite part about fruit is when I run it under water for 3 seconds to convince myself it’s no longer covered in carcinogenic pesticides
BREAKING NEWS
Literally to be eliminated from the English language in 2015
Use it while you can, white girls
With Girls Gone Wild bankrupt wild girls no longer have a home. Many of them will be put down. Please. Adopt a wild girl. Before she’s gone.