@CelebrityChez

– Day 1 of gluten free diet:
I feel like a new person and I love my life.
– Day 2:
I have eaten the neighbors bird and joined ISIS.

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@trevso_electric

Does the S in iPhone 5S stand for “superficial”? “Shallow”? “Slave”? Or “soon to be obsolete”?

@mayamanion

Ok parents who have really clean houses, do you have outdoor pets and outdoor kids? How does this work?

@tastefactory

Worst Betrayals in History:
– Judas turning on Jesus
– Brutus helping to murder Caesar
– Verizon guy going to work for Sprint

@nthall350

The zombie I shot earlier may have just been a kid with chapped lips. I don’t take any chances.

@JoParkerBear

M: Twitter has helped me tremendously as a writer, as it demands tightness and brevity.
Friend: What do you write?
M: Oh, only tweets now.

@GreenishDuck

People with little chains that go from a nose piercing to an earring probably just got sick of losing their ears.

@Matt_The_1st

Me: But where do you see this relationship in five years?
Her: Sir! For the last time, do you want extra cheese or not?

@AndyAsAdjective

11YR OLD: dad, are we poor?

ME: we are rich in love…we are rich in laughter

11: so we’re poor

M: yes

@mommajessiec

*dusts off treadmill*

Alright, that’s enough cardio for one day.

@everygirI

if ur worried ur not gonna get a New Years Eve kiss just remember that Valentines Day is in 45 days n ur probably gonna b alone for that too