Day 1 of home improvement project: This should take us a week.
Day 7: This should take us 2 weeks.
Day 57: There is no end in sight.
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How can you tell a vampire has the virus?
He’ll be coffin.
The beauty of a text message is that it transcends time. You respond at your leisure. Unless it’s from your wife, then you have 30 seconds.
An unintentionally hysterical ad offering proof why ‘branding’ always needs a second pair of eyes.
Sex so bad the Oompa Loompas sang a song about it.
It must be almost impossible for chalk-outline guys not to turn victims’ hands into turkeys this time of year.
Don’t ever sing Three Times a Lady to a woman that’s gained 20 pounds.
My husband knows this now.
Someone pointed out that there are 4 faces carved in the side of this mountain and now I can’t unsee it
When I canceled my gym membership, I had to submit a too weak notice
Dance like your kid isn’t secretly making a TikTok to humiliate you.
Moderation is good as long as you don’t overdo it.
[grocery store]
dad to his crying baby: shhh stop crying
[baby keeps crying]
me: wow, your baby does not listen
This hospital has everything
Thrilled I bought a 55″ screen so I can listen to it while I stare at a 4″ screen.
apparently “spite” is not the appropriate answer to “What motivates you?”
Thoughts and prayers for my 17 year old. Nothing’s wrong with her. She’s just mad that she has to put gas in her own car on a cold day.
My calendar says there’s a new moon tomorrow. The old one was there for 4.5 billion years; you’d think people would be more excited.
Travel anxiety is like regular anxiety but with even more baggage
I’m an Atheist till the electricity goes out.
[board meeting]
“So Mr Parachute do you have a name for your invention?”
“I call it the ‘Makes the Ground Come at You a Bit Slower’.”
“No.”
Aliens? Wake me up when something important happens, like a new pasta shape
…and when you saw 3 sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when it took the entire Holy Trinity to carry you after all those piña coladas.
incredible text to wake up to
*throws penny in fountain for good luck
*penny seems upset and doesn’t want a second date
Friend dropping me off at the airport: ok fly safe
Me who is not piloting the plane: ok I will
HER: OMG Thats not going to fit
HIM: Just relax. I’ll go slow
HER: If you’re sure…
HIM: [severely damages surrounding cars while parking]
Lower your expectations.
Lower yet.
Keep going.
There.
Hi, I’m Nancy!
Me: *just died* I can finally rest without my kids waking me up for dumb shit
Son using Ouija board: HEY MA
what’s the funniest tiktok video you’ve ever seen?
Just because I reported several women to HR for not washing their hands after using the rest room doesn’t mean the camera they found is mine
I only eat chips because I feel that people would judge me if I ate the dip with a spoon