Day 1 of quarantine: I’m going to take this as an opportunity to improve my health
Day 2 of quarantine: Due to personal reasons, I am eating a lasagna in my shower
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The dinosaurs didnt “rule the earth” they were just alive stop giving them credit for administrative skills they almost certainly didnt have
are elective head amputations covered by insurance oh shoot i thought this was google
I see dead people.
No wait, I take that back.
I see people I want dead.
Some days driving is like Russian roulette, but with squirrels.
Me: I just ran into your brother.
Friend: How’s he doing?
Me: Not so good. I ran into him pretty hard.
Me, at a romantic movie: pffft like that would ever happen
Me, at any other genre movie: YES I ABSOLUTELY ACCEPT THIS OUTLANDISH SCENARIO
I like to use the formal version of people’s names.
So like, if your name is Terry, I’ll call you Terrence. Larry, Lawrence. Barry, Barrence. Bobby, Bobbence. I don’t know any girls.
I’m giving a best man speech at my brother’s third wedding, and I’m going to open with “hi, it’s me again.”
55 burgers 55 fries 55 tacos 55 fries 55 cokes 100 tater tots 100 pizzas 100 tenders 100 meatballs 100 coffees 55 wings 55 shakes 55 pancakes 55 pastas 55 peppers and 155 taters
If I worked at a wax museum, I think a good joke would be to put a wick coming out of all of their heads.
A tanning bed is a panini grill for people.
Cucumber is 95% water and 100% not donut.
We can only blame SO much on trump. Some things are just Ryan Seacrest’s fault.
*me, at the bank, mouth agape, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my twelve dollars lives
[date gets back from the bathroom]
those batman toys in the tub are so cute! How old are your kids?
“kids?”
[restaurant]
date: this chicken is a little dry
me: I think my burger‘s undercooked
waiter: how is everything
me: it’s great
date: so good
Him: i like you
Me: *wheels in whiteboard* let me break it down for you why that’s a bad idea
I like my women like I like my bugs…
In my bed 😬
I plan to scary-haunt anyone who says “she wouldn’t want us to be sad” at my funeral. If you’re not sad that I’m gone forever you deserve it
I shaved and now I can fit into my smaller jeans.
*lets out a blood curdling scream* HELP MY BLOOD IS CURDLING
Just found out you can buy more hangers. You don’t have to choose which clothes go on the 9 hangers you’ve somehow had your entire life and keep the rest in a pile.
You’re 25, please stop saying back in the day.
It’s like these people at the liquor store have never seen somebody pay with this much change
I am leaving Twitter. I can’t take all the political banter and the mean and nasty things people say on here anymore. I will be back in an hour.
I’m getting close to that age where people applaud the things I’m “still able to do”
I yell “COVER ME!” at my family everyday when I go to the mailbox.
*hands cashier chihuahua*
“One waffle cone, please.”
Ayn Rand, Rand Paul and Paul Ryan walk into a bar. The bartender serves them tainted alcohol because there are no regulations. They die.
huge drama on my block rn. basically my crows got tired of the local squirrels always taking some of the food i leave out. so now, as an act of retaliation— the crows are going yard to yard, finding the squirrels’ stashes, & eating everything. squirrels are watching in horror