Next time someone asks you how you slept,
close your eyes & say “like this” & just stay that way for like 8 hours!!!
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“Goddamn you’re so well put together I can’t wait to take you apart” sounded way sexier and less serial-killery in my head
I have a cut on my leg Doc
“Yeah that legs gotta go sir”
But its a tiny cut
“Sorry, I cant save it” *sharks fake doctor outfit falls off*
I’ve already broken all my resolutions and like 4 commandments.
Justin Bieber’s career died for your sins.
When I told my contractor I didn’t want carpeted steps, he gave me a blank stair.
Everyone writes, “why I’m leaving New York,” but no one writes, “how it’s going in New Jersey” 🧐
2025
-All children are named Logan
-The most recent president is a ferret who came in 2nd on the Amazing Race.
-Betty White is still alive
ants in the garden ? Run a hose from your bbq gas cylinder and put it into the ants nest and turn it on, just a little, removed hose and carefully light the hole… what could possibly go wrong??
like how’d Scar’s mom know he was going to get a scar one day?
Do all gothic horror stories have to be in ancestral family homes? I am too poor for generational hauntings.
Relationship status: my period comes more often than I do.
I came across 3 snakes while mowing the yard today, but those of you in North America already know that because you heard me scream
EMOTICON GUIDE
🙂 I’m happy
😉 Having a seizure. Still happy
:/ Having a stroke. Not happy
🙁 I’m a grouper
.) Lost an eye. Still happy
Flying Monkey: Notice she only calls us “pretties” when she wants something.
Maybe naming my new hippie themed bar Free Spirits was a bit misleading. Lesson learned.
We’re living in two Stephen King novels. The Dead Zone and The Stand. If clowns show up I’m done.
Took the batteries out the smoke detector for the TV remote cos I’d rather suffocate & burn to death beyond recognition in my sleep than get up to change channel.
My 89 year old mom asked if I was on that “Tic-tac-toe” site.
I got a Rubik’s Cube for my dog
Thought I was turning into my dad, but it was just his driveway.
Add “af” to the end of all business emails for maximum corporate whimsy
I assume the #1 reason people change their identity is b/c they answered “You too” when the barista said “Enjoy your bagel.”
imagine getting fired from the sperm bank for drinking on the job and having to constantly clarify that
[at fancy-dress party shouting over all the barking]
“YOU NEED TO LEAVE”
me dressed as a giant vacuum cleaner: “I DIDNT KNOW YOU HAD 6 DOGS”
@isabelzawtun @UncleDuke1969 I had a customer tell me that wanted 50% off an item because of a sign. The sign clearly stated which product was 50% off, which I pointed out. Her response was “what If I couldn’t read?”
I literally had to just walk away.
Yesterday I was very irritated so I read some Shakespeare and today I am sorely vexed.
(inventing satellite dish) i wish this wok talked to outer space instead of cooking lo mein
Uglier.
Angel: But, sir…
I SAID UGLIER!
– God inventing cycling outfits.
*94K tweets later* I’m really a very private person