If you love something set it on fire. If it doesn’t die, you have a dragon.
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I only sleep with people who make me laugh.
Luckily, I find myself hilarious.
People often mistake me for an adult because of my age
“Avoid drinking alcohol while taking this medication.”
So, how hard should I go on this “avoid” thing?
“I just can’t help myself!”
—paramedic on his deathbed
I like my women like I like my coffee. I look at coffee but I am afraid to talk to it
[Chevy commercial]
“we blindfolded people and put them in our new Chevy. Here’s what they had to say”
Man: I couldn’t see anything. I was blindfolded
Woman: I feared for my life the entire time
When people tell me “You’re gonna regret that in the morning” I sleep in til noon, because I’m a problem Solver
losing it at this lady preaching abstinence at LSU and the students just going buck wild
If there’s karaoke or no karaoke I’m not going
Wanna buy something but can’t find it online?
Just text someone about it! Instagram will show you ads the next minute.
Problem solved.
[spelling bee finals]
JUDGE: your word is “asterisk”
KID: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: *adjusts mic* yes
Well of course the supermassive black hole that will eventually annihilate our galaxy is a Sagittarius.
I found the felon who is responsible for your lost socks. Already convicted of other crimes. It’s the fitted sheet. You’re welcome
This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
My son was invited over 2 different friend’s houses for a sleepover and he picked the friend that has a whole drawer in the fridge dedicated to just cheese and I’m wondering how to get invited over for a sleepover
{Me as Cop}
*Kneels over body* We’re looking for someone briefly introduced even though they don’t seem relevant to the overall plot line.
*quietly tries to open a bag of chips while son walks around looking for his bag of chips*
the reason wordle only does one word per day is so you can spend the rest of your day talking about wordle
It’s going to be super weird when all this shit is over and your boss is trying to get you to be all serious in some stupid meeting.
I just survived the apocalypse Carl, I don’t give a shit about forecasting
It’s ok to not have a Valentine on Valentine’s Day. I didn’t have a groundhog on Groundhog’s Day
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day but teach a man to phish and he will steal your social security # so click here to verify your account.
Peacock tails: Good!
Pee cocktails: Bad.
leonardo dicaprio would have won 8 oscars by now if he was named after one of the cooler turtles
Not only are used coffee grounds a great fertilizer, when shaped and baked they make excellent biscuits for that cunt of a dog next door.
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia
I highly recommend anything.
– Stoners.
Them: I’ll be right back
Me: That’s not necessary
If a shark attacks you, DO NOT punch him in the nose. Be the bigger person and just ignore him.
Santa is always broke after Christmas.
That’s why he’s called St. Nickel-Less.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
Spiders have it about right.
If he doesn’t bring her a snack when he courts her it’s curtains..