I really wish my twitter crush would scream out my name instead of ‘hey you’ every time he catches me in the tree in his front yard.
Day 1 self-isolation: *has enough snacks to last 2 weeks
Day 2 self-isolation: *runs out of snacks
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Fatherhood Tip : If there’s puke in your coat pocket and poop on your shoulder, you’re holding the baby upside down.
I wanted something old and soft to wax my car, so I used Grandma.
You gotta know when to tweet em
Know when to delete em
Know when to follow someone
Know when to run
Happy 10th birthday to your dating profile pic.
Go to a fancy restaurant. Order the lobster. Order it alive. When it comes, order food for your new pet lobster. Then take lobster home.
There was a spider in the shower this morning, and now my neighbours know I scream like a cat about to crest a roller coaster’s first drop.
Reporter: What can you tell us about the asteroid you recently discovered?
Astronomer: No, comet.
[Batman & Joker at a table in Arkham Asylum]
Joker: Wanna know I got these Scars? *He gestures at his Lion King action figures*
[80% of bar rescue eps]
TAFFER: this employee stole $150,000 dollars from you, burned your car, and killed your dog. he says he would happily do it again. what are you gonna do?
TAFFER: you’re going to fire him
OWNER: I’m going to fire him