Day 1 self-isolation: *has enough snacks to last 2 weeks

Day 2 self-isolation: *runs out of snacks

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I really wish my twitter crush would scream out my name instead of ‘hey you’ every time he catches me in the tree in his front yard.


Fatherhood Tip : If there’s puke in your coat pocket and poop on your shoulder, you’re holding the baby upside down.


I wanted something old and soft to wax my car, so I used Grandma.


You gotta know when to tweet em

Know when to delete em

Know when to follow someone

Know when to run


Go to a fancy restaurant. Order the lobster. Order it alive. When it comes, order food for your new pet lobster. Then take lobster home.


There was a spider in the shower this morning, and now my neighbours know I scream like a cat about to crest a roller coaster’s first drop.


Reporter: What can you tell us about the asteroid you recently discovered?

Astronomer: No, comet.


[Batman & Joker at a table in Arkham Asylum]

Joker: Wanna know I got these Scars? *He gestures at his Lion King action figures*
Batman: Ugh


[80% of bar rescue eps]

TAFFER: this employee stole $150,000 dollars from you, burned your car, and killed your dog. he says he would happily do it again. what are you gonna do?
TAFFER: you’re going to fire him
OWNER: I’m going to fire him