@: Day 126 with no sex. I've lost hearing in my right eye
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@JennyJohnsonHi5: Cops are raiding Justin Bieber's house looking for eggs. Seriously. Eggs. I can't make this shit up. This is why other countries hate us.
@momtransparent1: My 4yo held up her toy phone and announced she had “an important call to make.” So I made sure to stay really quiet for a min because, respect. Then I blasted the TV, begged for snacks, slammed doors & screamed “NOOOO” because, retribution.
@causticbob: "He looks just like his grandfather" is a cute thing said about a new baby in most parts of the world. In Alabama,it's more of an accusation