Day 126 with no sex. I’ve lost hearing in my right eye
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date: are u a tender lover?
me: more of a dino nugget guy
I love how fresh & clean my bathroom smells after I’ve killed a spider with a full bottle of windex
“And on the 7th day he rested”. Obviously God had not yet created laundry at that point.
The best thing about lockdown is that we’ve been able to potty train our 3 year old.
No pressure to go anywhere
Can stroll around freely with no underwear
Lots of rewards and stickersAnd the best part is all this applies to our 3 year old too
With the magic of makeup, I go from tired old hag to tired looking old hag with eyeliner.
The three ages of bureaucrat:
Age 25: Why don’t I get to go to any meetings?
Age 35: I feel so validated by attending all these important meetings
Age 42: I will do anything legal to avoid godforsaken meetings
If a dude can be CEO of three companies at the same time that just says to me CEO isn’t a very demanding or important job.
girl: wanna have car sex?
me looking out the window at my car nervously: um… do I… do I put it in the muffler
Boss: Why were you tardy this morning?
Me: I don’t think we’re supposed to call people that any more.
don’t ask what my resolution is. there are 3 days left in this garbage year and i am focusing on being my worst possible self for every minute of them. “exercise more” “eat better” go to hell, im gonna burn down a tgi fridays
My boyfriend calls me “babe” because “pig in the city” is such a mouthful to say.
Nice hourglass figure, girl. Wanna come back to my place and stand on your head so my friends and I can keep time while we play Pictionary?
Want to know what it’s like to have kids?
1. Gather everything you own.
2. Throw it all on the floor.
3. Pick it up.
4. Repeat for infinity.
The glockness monster
Apparently my kids think, “Be quiet for a half hour so I can take a nap,” actually means, “Host a rave in the hallway.”
If you see a distressed woman in the street screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
I was on my couch and my 5YO came up and put his arms around my waist. I was smiling like a fool until I realized he was looking for the remote control I was sitting on.
I bet Thor would lose his shit if he knew how many hammers are at Home Depot.
*getting murdered*
WAIT!!!!!!!
*buys new underwear and put them on.*
*flosses*
*sets phone on fire*Okay, proceed.
[at job interview]
It says here that you are very hands on.
Yes, sir, I am.
Can you give me an example of this?
*gently caresses his face*
accurate
I take a prop microphone wherever I go. If a reporter sticks a mic in my face during a tragedy, I can pull out my own and return the favor.
Just told my son to “wipe that smile off your face” and I swear I heard my dad laughing from 3,000 miles away
I’m sorry, can you repeat that? I was imagining how you would look as a lamp shade.
Despite popular opinion, you can eat fire. You just can’t eat it twice.
TREE: omg what happened to you
LOG: i was hacked
me: do you mind i can’t go with other people in the room
cellmate: buddy i don’t know what to tell you
I could never be an Instagram mom influencer. For starters, I wouldn’t be able to give my kids a name like Banjo or Parmesan or Chandelier.
Birth certificates need a popup dialog box: “Are you SURE you want to spell your kid’s name that way?”