Day 14: I notice a seam in the wall. It’s a removable panel. I crawl through a tunnel, down, down. I emerge into a space like a hangar. There is a 1/6 scale exact replica of my home, my car, my office…all the places I most often frequent. “This is not for you,” says my cat.
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Person: Aw! How old is your dog?
Me: (whispering) I don’t know. (Covers dog’s ears) She’s adopted.
WebMD: You have cancer.
Me: No, I feel fine. I clicked you by mistake.
WebMD: And good thing you did… Cuz of the cancer.
Didn’t find out until I got to work that these exposed-shoulder tops are intended for women.
Acceptance truly begins when you ask Alexa to play classic rock and she plays a song that came out when you were in high school
Me: The 10yo asked for a sip of my beer!
Wife: I hope you told him why he can’t have any
Me: Yes! Because it’s mine
Wife: Because of the alc
Me: Because of the alcohol
my friends: “im not a hater but-”
me: “dont worry i am”
[spelling bee]
moderator: your word is abandon
me: can you use it in a sentence?
moderator: everyone you love will abandon you
me: omg
moderator: lol no not even close
As you can tell from my outfit, I am not a nudist.
Me: I made GORP for our hike
Her: peanut m&ms and miniature marshmallows
Me: yeah, in handy single servings
Her: they’re gallon ziplock bags
Waiter: Ready to order?
Friend: I’ll have the quinoa and grilled tofu lettuce wrap.
Me: I’ll take the MSG platter with a side of gluten.
How selfish am I? Circus peanuts and black licorice are my favorite candies just so I never have to share.
People who live in glass houses should be put on a watchlist.
An octopus can get so stressed
out – it will actually eat itself.Octopuses call that “leg day.”
[first day as geologist]
me: *mouth full of dirt* the crust is the best part
Never bring your fists to a knife fight. Never bring a knife to a gun fight. And whatever you do, stay far, far away from a fight between two geese.
About once a month I think about this NYT correction and I literally laugh out loud for 15 seconds
A spider crawled out of the head of broccoli I was washing and that’s what I get for not ordering pizza
Nephew just whispered something into a Cadbury Easter Bunny’s ears then broke off its head.
I’m sleeping with the lights on.
This is probably going to sound really gay, but the sunset is GORGEOUS right now and I love making out with dudes.
My cat’s birthday is tomorrow and my mean boss said I still have to come to work this week.
Can’t find your children? Try turning off the wifi. They appear suddenly.
VICTIM: First time murdering? I have a suggestion.
ME (sharpening my gun): Go on.
Pete: I’m Pete
Peter: I’m Peter
Me, competitive: I’m Petest
Me: what number do you call if there’s an emergency?
3yo: 21 21
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS
Me: you call 9 1 1
3yo: 21 21
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS
Me: 9 1 1!
3yo: who you gonna call?
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERSEmergency training complete
I run from my car all the way to the front door of McDonald’s because fitness is a lifestyle
Thinking about writing my own eulogy because I don’t want my loved ones saying I’m a control freak.
pugs look like regular dogs that ran into a door at full speed
Whales are just primitive elephants that walked into the ocean and then kept walking.
As the mother of two kids under 5, I’m always playing a game I call “Is this normal, or is my child a sociopath?”
When I have to reset my microwave it requires I put in the time, day, month and YEAR, why do you need to know the year you self important kitchen appliance, heat the coffee like it’s 1995 it’s the same to me