Day 1,459 of my son acting shocked and aggrieved when I tell him to go brush his teeth before bed.

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I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play


Me: *gripping weapon, hiding* Today I slay the troll that controls the bridge

Toll booth operator (on the phone, watching me): Yeah he’s back, and he’s holding a pool noodle


Having a toddler is like harboring a bipolar, schizophrenic, incontinent, adorable, tiny dictator.


Keep your friends close and your enemies in the trunk of your car.


Loan shark: If you’re late my guys will …

Me: Tell my gf my phone password?

LS: Break every bone in your body

M: Oh. Yeah that’s fine


“Better safe than sorry,” I tell myself as I send the 27th text telling him my feelings.


I may not have any friends but at least I know my cat will never ask me to help him move


I’d tell my neighbor about the weird smell coming from her apartment, but she’s been so quiet that I don’t want to disturb her.


Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their Gods lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.


Back to the Future IV: Marty Mcfly stops being obsessed with his own family and goes back in time to kill Hitler.