Day 1,459 of my son acting shocked and aggrieved when I tell him to go brush his teeth before bed.
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I’m not a bad person, although once I blew a paper straw cover at my husband and it stuck in a lady’s hair and I didn’t tell her.
my fav colour is also hitler
Why do we say “used to” for “accustomed to”?
“I’m used to it.” Yoost to. Yoozed to.
just saw Gravity. excuse me while I go hug the earth.
*Puts arm band, white tank top, and fake moustache on cat*
There ya go, Freddie Purr-cury.
Establish dominance by shaking your spouse’s hand when they go in for a kiss.
“If Bernie doesn’t get the nom, I’m voting Trump.”
“Also, if McDonald’s is out of chicken nuggets, I’m going to eat 20 scorpions.”
so apparently if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but donate 9 kidneys and people get very upset
Watching drunk twins fight.
The similarities are staggering, and striking.
*I gently remove an eyelash from her cheek*
“Make a wish,” I say.
*I am crushed by a T-Rex wearing a saddle seconds later*
[God, creating pigeons]
Make them pace back and forth like a lawyer.
*lies down on waxing table
Aesthetician(on phone): Cancel all my appts, check the moon phase and bring me a gun loaded with silver bullets.
Her: I want you to kill my ex but make it seem like an accident
Me: say no more
[Later]
Detective: looks like the killer beat him to death with a crowbar and then placed a banana peel by his feet
Watching Home Alone in 1990: oh poor Kevin, all alone with no family to celebrate the holidays
Watching Home Alone in 2018: that lucky little punk
An odd boast
I like for my resolutions to be attainable so this year I resolve that I will neither become the pope nor will I become a cannibal.
I borrowed $20 from my 11-year-old and she mentioned something about interest. What the hell are they teaching kids in school these days?
I would never let MY child act like that.
-things my friends without kids say.
I really relate to the people in commercials who “didn’t know that.”
How do you like your Corgi?
This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
*yawning at an art museum*
“I already saw that on Tumblr.”
Him: How many pairs of shoes do you have?
Me: 12
Him: That includes flip-flops, boots, and the ones you never wear.
Me: 118
It’s my 23rd wedding anniversary today and my husband decided to share a picture of us where I’m standing at Cape Spear at 5am, swollen faced, no make up, not even smiling. He, however, looks great and I’m glad for him because the last anniversary post should be the best.
[fancy dinner]
ME: please pass the (forgets the name for salt) dried ocean
What’s parenting 4 kids like so far?
I’ve called the new baby Emily at least 3 times & nobody in our family even has that name.
My master plan is to forget sunglasses at every location in the world so wherever I am I’ll always have sunglasses.
Delivery Instructions: “Please, deliver the pizza like normal, but as you walk back to your car, slowly turn back and say, ‘Hey kid! You did alright out there tonight. Your father would have been proud’.”
Fun prank: Super glue a baby to the floor and see how many people try to pick it up as they walk by
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Child: You’re old, it’s expected.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.