day 16 of being stuck in:
me: shall I have another glass of wine?
my wall: yes catherine splendid idea
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“You haven’t changed since college” isn’t necessarily a compliment, it could mean that you looked 40 when you were 20. Have a great day!
Hey Amish person reading this: Busted.
Made it to the level of old where I turned down a beer so it wouldn’t mess with the aftertaste of the milkshake I just had.
CW: How was your weekend?
*finds nearest object*
“Hello?”CW: Are you talking to a stapler?
“I’m sorry, I have to take this.”
true crime documentaries are like “nobody suspected the husband until they found the life insurance policy”
[in HR]
We’re letting you go because you won’t stop referring to going to the bathroom as “live streaming”
Oceans 11? When I went to school there were just 5
*Walks into puppy store wearing a large trenchcoat*
*Hurries out of puppy store in a much tighter-fitting trenchcoat*
Pro tip: smell the fragrant hand soap on your fingers while you’re in the restaurant’s restroom, not on your way back to the table.
Why does Mommy always say no?
Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.
#Friyay
my dad put my photo on milk cartons when i went missing because he didn’t want vegans looking for his son
Me: Alexa, do you worry about being replaced by A.I.?
Alexa: Aye, aye is a term used in the Navy to indicate an order has been heard and understood.
did you get the job?
“i don’t know yet”
when will they tell you?
interviewer: “keith can you please ask your mum to wait in reception”
geese are just mad that we refuse to buy insurance from them
[first day working at a duty-free shop]
manager: here’s your list of duties
me: wtf
To think, just 30 years ago, I would have to yank the phone off the wall, and bring it to the bathroom to drop it in the toilet.
recipe: 1/4 cup fresh cilantro
cilantro at the store: here’s a bouquet. i’ll be rotten tomorrow
Letting my son turn the pages when we read together so he’s more engaged with the story and also because sometimes he accidentally skips pages.
100% of divorces begin with marriage.
Who died and made you king? Oh the king before you died. Well that makes sen- Oh he was your father. Well then I’m very sorry for your loss.
HR: You know why you’re here?
Me: So we can be alone?
HR: Your new nickname is a problem.
Me: We all have them.
HR: Yes, but Sperminator?
My cat likes to eat treats off the windowsill, and my dog likes to sit below it and gobble up any treats that he drops.
Trickle down treatonomics.
*moon landing*
That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for updog
“What’s updog?”
NOT MUCH JUST WALKING ON THE MOON WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
why does half of Twitter think they’re going to lead a communist uprising when they’re too scared to order pizza on the phone
If you say something while exhaling smoke it is 10 times more profound.
😗💨
Noah build an ark
“what? why”
I’m gunna flood the earth
“just give me fish powers”
[jealous he didn’t think of that] JUST DO WHAT I SAY!
Of course I’m gonna miss my husband when he goes away for the weekend in 45 hours 23 minutes and….*checks watch*….27 seconds
[helping kid w/math]
What is 0.1 as a fraction?
“One tenth?”
Good, now what does 10% mean?
“Battery low, plug in your phone?”
Perfect
I forgot the term “stylist” so I said “exterior decorator.”
Please don’t tag me in photos where I’m not wearing my roller skates, I’m looking for a boyfriend.