Day 16,607:
Still not stuck on a deserted island, and beginning to lose hope
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A spider ran across my foot and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in a men’s Target bathroom.
He leans in, looks into my eyes, and lowers the lights. I go in for the kiss.
And now I’m being escorted out of the opticians.
I kept getting my shin badly grazed by the pedal of my bike when I was was a kid, that was one vicious cycle.
Mother Goose: I need some ideas for my nursery rhymes.
Me: a young boy and girl fall down a hill and the boy suffers a head injury.
Mother Goose: what? these are for children
Me:
Mother Goose:
Me: an egg falls off a wall and dies.
co-worker: kinda weird how batman takes a kid out at night to punch felons
bruce wayne: [across the room] i dunno kinda sounds like you guys are just making it weird
Walmart customers are classless.
You shouldn’t drink Cabernet from a Pringle’s can.
Those cans are meant strictly for Pinot Noir.
Any time a car with its hazards on passes me, I panic thinking I’ve wandered into a funeral procession and now I have to lie to a dead stranger’s family.
You don’t scare me. You’re not those two minutes when I can’t find my wallet.
*waits until you fall asleep*
*tests out his new retractable air horn*
I think it’s really important to always support your children even though they might say troubling things like they “don’t like chocolate pudding”
I think my cats hate people as much as I do.
Every time the doorbell rings, they hide under the bed with me.
Finding Nemo 2? I swear, if that kid gets lost again Finding Nemo 3 better be where child services locks the dad up for extreme negligence.
-Someone keeps phoning up pretending to be my grandmother. It’s a prank, I don’t know what else to call it.
-Shenanigan?
-Don’t you start.
I would watch Real Housewives if it was like Game of Thrones and they would occasionally and suddenly behead one of the main characters.
When someone has a baby, I’m just like, OK, clearly you were desperate to have someone to hang out with
We’re all 60% water, so get off your high horse “aqua” man
Don’t propose with a diamond, that’s so yesterday. Propose with a pair of oven mitts, at least she’ll knows what she’s getting herself into.
Why is it cute when a baby falls asleep clutching a bottle and when I do it it’s “worrisome”?
This year, I want to be a better mother, but having kids is making that impossible.
I used to be one of these chefs who always swore and shouted until I discovered oven mitts.
#ChefDay #RubbishJokes
on a date with a guy who’s been fired from 3 different bowling alleys
Saw a sign that read “Free Coupons”.
What I want to know is what kind of terrorist would hold coupons captive in the first place?
I’ve decided that bringing a condom to a gunfight wasn’t the smartest choice for protection.
dealer: *rifling through bags* hey these are full of cotton
baa baa black sheep: uhhh
dealer: *narrows eyes*
farmer listening in a nearby van: shit, he’s been made
My dog just ate one of my earbuds gonna blast metal until I get it back
[small-town McDonald’s cashier holds bill up to light, studies it]
Me: You get a lot of counterfeit fives around here?
“Mr musk we would like to use your fortune to help humanity”
*Elon Musk presses a button on his desk* “Just fired a boat into space”
“Please Mr Musk”
*presses button* “Now a banana”
“People are dying”
*presses button* “That one was a bear”
In America, feng shui is just aiming all of your furniture at the TV.
If I stay in bed too long my sheets eventually detach from the corner of my mattress like my bed is patting me on the back to let me know the hug is over.
My daughter fell hard while we were hiking, so my 3-yr old niece starts punching the ground where she fell and yelling, “I don’t like you hurting my cousin!” She’s gonna be a bodyguard or a felon one day, folks. I’m just not sure which one yet.