@TheAlexNevil

Day 16,607:
Still not stuck on a deserted island, and beginning to lose hope

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@MelvinofYork

Me: god you’re sexy

Her (sultry whisper): I’ll bet you say that to all the women

Me (sultry whisper): not my mom

@KeetPotato

a snail bet me £1000 he could get home before i could and i didn’t really think it thru properly can anybody lend me money?

@Aikiwomannc

Him: It’s been 20 minutes! I know what you’re doing in there! Stop it!

Me: *in shower* No! I’ve waited all day!

Him: Don’t do it! Get out!

Me: *touching my face* You can’t stop me!

@ComeHome4Dinner

2 grams for $40??? Son, you are getting soooooo ripped off.

Go see Jermaine on Fremont St. Tell him Your Mother sent you.

@MarfSalvador

my wife: [hand on coffin] I just miss you so much

me: let me out then

@camelSWAG69

“You may now kiss the bride”
Wow this is the happiest day of-
*dad flies by in hot air ballon*
QUEEERR
*throws football at my head*

@CantWaitToNap

Husband: “I read that divorce rates will increase because of pandemic.
Do you …

Me: “Yes, I want a divorce.”

Husband: …think it’s true.”

Me: …
Husband: …

@baronvonbike

Marriage is mostly blaming your spouse for not listening to the things you say, even when you’re not entirely sure you’ve said them out loud.