Veterinarian: Curiosity killed the cat.
Dog: Sure, go with that.
Still not stuck on a deserted island, and beginning to lose hope
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Me: god you’re sexy
Her (sultry whisper): I’ll bet you say that to all the women
Me (sultry whisper): not my mom
a snail bet me £1000 he could get home before i could and i didn’t really think it thru properly can anybody lend me money?
Him: It’s been 20 minutes! I know what you’re doing in there! Stop it!
Me: *in shower* No! I’ve waited all day!
Him: Don’t do it! Get out!
Me: *touching my face* You can’t stop me!
2 grams for $40??? Son, you are getting soooooo ripped off.
Go see Jermaine on Fremont St. Tell him Your Mother sent you.
my wife: [hand on coffin] I just miss you so much
me: let me out then
“You may now kiss the bride”
Wow this is the happiest day of-
*dad flies by in hot air ballon*
*throws football at my head*
Husband: “I read that divorce rates will increase because of pandemic.
Do you …
Me: “Yes, I want a divorce.”
Husband: …think it’s true.”
Marriage is mostly blaming your spouse for not listening to the things you say, even when you’re not entirely sure you’ve said them out loud.
Adulthood is straight up the worst hood I’ve ever lived in.