Day 18 of lock down. Filled the dog with helium.
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It’s like grandma always said…
Make sure you put everything in the medicine cabinet back where you found it or you won’t be invited back.
Please do not return empty candy wrappers to the dish. It leads to false expectations and uncontrollable rage.
[ultrasound]
DOCTOR: oh my god!
HER: what’s wrong?
DOCTOR: Ok don’t panic but it looks as though you swallowed a baby
Is there a way to ask for extra ranch dressing without sounding fat?
People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
*Leaving my kids and husband at home for the day*
Me: I’ll see you guys later. [waves]
Dirty laundry & dishes: [waves back]
[Psychiatrist’s Office]
ME: So do I just lie on the couch over here?
PSYCHIATRIST: Actually this works much better if you tell the truth.
If you try and fight South Park they will just turn around and do another episode about you. 😬
Priest: I now pronounce you man and wife
Me: why? “you” has literally none of those sounds
My bride: I changed my mind I want a divorce
“How old are you” Fine thanks, how old are you
“Let’s call it a day.”
I don’t know what else you’d call it.
Calling it a turtle would just sound stupid.
“Lets call it a turtle.”
See?
My goal weight: To not look like a “before” picture.
ME: [on my deathbed] this is pretty nice
MATTRESS STORE SALESMAN: sir, you can’t die here
I’ll be giving free lobotomies behind Denny’s until 9pm to everyone who wants one and doesn’t want one
[on first date]
Let me get that for you.
*holds door open*
“May I help you, sir?”
Yes, my lady would like your finest soft taco supreme…
Champagne lovers are bubblyophiles
[at a football game]
my kid: can i get a giant foam finger
me: no
my kid: why not
me: because you already ate three of them at halftime
Stopped visiting friends because they have a child gate on the way to the upstairs bathroom I can’t figure out.
Dating – Every Kiss begins with Kay.
Marriage – Every conversation ends with K.
Hope there is a particularly fiery spot in hell for anyone capable of losing a dog in an enclosed dog park.
How come no one in the fast and furious movies ever need to get gas?
You like bad boys? Not to brag but I’m bad at everything.
-me flirting
They say never give up on your dreams, but I’m really starting to think I’m not going to be the queen of England.
Doctor: How long has this been bothering you?
Women: It started after work 2 days ago at 7pm.
Men: I think it started in the 90’s.
My mom found a Barbie Dreamhouse at a garage sale when I was a kid, but all the stickers were ripped off so I drew on appliances and wallpaper. Debbie, down the street, called it Barbie Crackhouse and now she wants to be my friend on Facebook? Ha!
if umpires are supposed to be so decisive then they should just be called pires
When you’re alone in your room, start doing karate so ghosts know what’s up.
[I just barely squeeze thru the elevator doors as they shut, however my chain wallet get caught, ripping my pants off as the elevator rises]
People keep asking if they can help me by watching my newborn. She doesn’t make me watch cocomelon, leave toys all over the floor, or scream that her brother is looking at the her. Take the older two.