I like to start my mornings w/ a luxurious deep tissue massage*
*kids climbing all over me until they puncture my spleen & I finally get up
bit less wobbly today
making other deer friends. getting funny looks tho
turns out i’m a hippo
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If someone asks us why we didn’t have kids I ask them how many people they’ve had sex with, and when the awkward silence hits it’s peak I’ll ask if I’m playing the none of your business game correctly.
Internet Explorer: so about last night
Me: Oh, i used you for flash.
IE: Are we back together, am i your default?
Me: don’t make this weird
Yes I brought my own shot glasses and started a party at my table, but is that really a reason to throw someone out? Worst library ever.
When someone asks “What’s your favorite film?” instead of “What’s your favorite movie?” I know instantly that my answer will disappoint them
[during lull in conversation] maybe people who say the earth is flat are thinking of maps
The club can’t even handle me right now. Like, the club’s just had a very emotionally draining day and the club’s been in a weird place.
Like my therapist always says, “I’m not your therapist, you’re just laying on a couch in Ikea”
Young mom: My baby is 34 months
Me: Oh really I’m 407 months yeah I hope you like doing math you piece of shit
[at the cheesecake factory]
me: I will have the cheesecake