@chuuew

[day 1]
hello, world
[day 2]
bit less wobbly today
[day 7]
making other deer friends. getting funny looks tho
[day 26]
turns out i’m a hippo

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@Marlebean

I like to start my mornings w/ a luxurious deep tissue massage*

*kids climbing all over me until they puncture my spleen & I finally get up

@Social_Mime

If someone asks us why we didn’t have kids I ask them how many people they’ve had sex with, and when the awkward silence hits it’s peak I’ll ask if I’m playing the none of your business game correctly.

@shutupmikeginn

Internet Explorer: so about last night
Me: Oh, i used you for flash.
IE: Are we back together, am i your default?
Me: don’t make this weird

@MadcapsTPS

Yes I brought my own shot glasses and started a party at my table, but is that really a reason to throw someone out? Worst library ever.

@TheDreamGhoul

When someone asks “What’s your favorite film?” instead of “What’s your favorite movie?” I know instantly that my answer will disappoint them

@MavenofHonor

[during lull in conversation] maybe people who say the earth is flat are thinking of maps

@dance_blessed

The club can’t even handle me right now. Like, the club’s just had a very emotionally draining day and the club’s been in a weird place.

@shutupmikeginn

Like my therapist always says, “I’m not your therapist, you’re just laying on a couch in Ikea”

@tastefactory

Young mom: My baby is 34 months
Me: Oh really I’m 407 months yeah I hope you like doing math you piece of shit

@goodbeanalt

[at the cheesecake factory]

me: I will have the cheesecake

waiter: okay