Day 2 of home schooling:
One is taking a maths test in bed, two is taking his psychology lesson in the toilet and I can’t find the third.

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Teacher: You can do anything you set your mind to
[I try to sneak outta class but somehow mess up the pull door twice]
Except maybe that guy


Bruce Banner: You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry

Me: I don’t like you now


When I was growing up I always loved making sandcastles with my grandmother, at least until mom started hiding the urn.


All my Facebook friends are starting to have kids. Better deactivate my acct. before they try to guilt me into liking pics of their aliens.


Me: Can I leave early today?

Boss: No.

Me: Can you leave early then?

Boss: What?

Me: What?


Refused to mow my grass because I’m lazy and it got so high that my neighbor did it because he is trying to sell his house and needs the neighborhood to look good for potential buyers so don’t tell me your problems won’t go away if you ignore them


I like big NUTS n my pecan pie
u other bakers cant deny
When a treat comes n with a crust too thin & the crumbs get on my chin
It gets FLUNG


My two year old demands that we place her floral print blanket on her shoulders and address her as “baby vampire” and read her “vampire books” (just regular peppa pig books but she’s dressed as a vampire) so I feel I’m parenting correctly


Vote for me and I promise to make fast food places put menus in a place where you can figure out what you want BEFORE you get to the window.