[ day 2 of self quarantine ]

me: i’m bored

my cat: have you tried dropping something into a shoe

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Me: Can you put your bowl in the sink, please?

10: Why?

Me: Why do you think?

10: Because you’re too lazy to do it?


What I say: “Agree to disagree”

What I really mean: “You are dumb and I will allow you to stay that way”


her: this isn’t going to work out
me: [mouthful of mashed potatoes] ith id bu-
her: yes it’s because of the mashed potatoes


O: put your seatbelt on, honey
o: i will, mom
O: you ready?
ø: yes


Me: I haven’t spoken to my mom in years. I do love her though.

Therapist: She isn’t going to live forever. You should call and tell her.

Me: You’re right…*dials number*
Mom, you’re going to die *hangs up*


Warning: the life you are about to lead contains strong language, adult situations and nudity. Exister discretion is advised.


Don’t worry, officer, this isn’t my blood. Really, stop searching me! I feel fine!


My dad: Too many lamps in a room we are sitting in is wasting electricity

Also my dad: Installs a dozen flood lights to illuminate the outside of the house


Don’t forget to wash your hands before assaulting a senior citizen over a can of green beans today


I’m a gentleman, so I when I see a woman about to open a door, I sprint up and tackle her back, so a man can open it for her.