Me: Can you put your bowl in the sink, please?
Me: Why do you think?
10: Because you’re too lazy to do it?
[ day 2 of self quarantine ]
me: i’m bored
my cat: have you tried dropping something into a shoe
You Might Also Like
What I say: “Agree to disagree”
What I really mean: “You are dumb and I will allow you to stay that way”
her: this isn’t going to work out
me: [mouthful of mashed potatoes] ith id bu-
her: yes it’s because of the mashed potatoes
O: put your seatbelt on, honey
o: i will, mom
O: you ready?
Me: I haven’t spoken to my mom in years. I do love her though.
Therapist: She isn’t going to live forever. You should call and tell her.
Me: You’re right…*dials number*
Mom, you’re going to die *hangs up*
Warning: the life you are about to lead contains strong language, adult situations and nudity. Exister discretion is advised.
Don’t worry, officer, this isn’t my blood. Really, stop searching me! I feel fine!
My dad: Too many lamps in a room we are sitting in is wasting electricity
Also my dad: Installs a dozen flood lights to illuminate the outside of the house
Don’t forget to wash your hands before assaulting a senior citizen over a can of green beans today
I’m a gentleman, so I when I see a woman about to open a door, I sprint up and tackle her back, so a man can open it for her.