[ day 2 of self quarantine ]
me: i’m bored
my cat: have you tried dropping something into a shoe
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*pronounces ‘cake’ like ‘khaki’ in all your tweets
worm: *tells a joke*
early bird: lol
Whenever Sting goes in for surgery, I bet the doctors and nurses have a good chuckle calling it a sting operation.
Who’s ready for Friday?!
Not everything is a competition and I bet I’m better at accepting that then you are!
[football game]
*ref throws flag*
Ref: *zebra noises*
Players: What?
Coaches: What?
Fans: What?
Zebra at home: *nodding* Good call good call
Snow White succumbs to avian influenza as a message against the laziness of magically hiring animals to complete household chores.
Me: *shopping for turtlenecks*
Amazon: People who bought this item also bought lye, plastic sheeting, and a chainsaw
I never understood how Scooby and Shaggy could be convinced to do something they didn’t want to do with just a Scooby Snack until my wife said she’d make me a cheese platter if I cleaned out my closet.
[jumps in Uber]
ME: HURRY I’M LATE
UBER: [starts driving]
ME: PULL OVER HERE
[jumps out, pets dog]
ME: [jumps back in] GO GO GO
[pitching movie]
“It’s Titanic…”
Go on
“from the iceberg’s perspective”
holy shit
professor x: what’s your super power
owl: terrible memory
professor x: that’s not usef- you can talk!?
owl: who
The first one, obviously
High school teachers: “Your college profs aren’t going to be as lenient as we are.”
College profs: “Sorry I’m late I didn’t want to come.”
Me: [driving into a parking garage]
Wife: why are you ducking your head?
Me: the ceiling is super low, I don’t want the car to scrape it.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: that’s fair.
Queen Elizabeth dresses like she’s about to go to prom with Steve Harvey
If Christian Bale’s voice as Batman were any more throaty, that dude would be talking Arabic.
EXECUTOR OF MY WILL: I’m so sorry for your loss. Mr. Nadeau has requested he be mummified, but in Fruit Roll-Ups.
WIFE: *Knocks on coffin* Andrew. You have to stop doing this. Are you alive?
ME: *Muffled* No.
WIFE:
ME: *Muffled but sadder* Maybe.
I went to the doctor this morning and I have mono.
At my age I think I should have surround sound.
Just saw a guy using a payphone. I can only assume he’s being told where to deliver the ransom money.
Life hack: giant marshmallows make cheap teeth whitening strips
My wife refuses to hire a housekeeper bc *checks notes* she doesn’t want them to see this mess.
twitter: Canadians are so nice
Canadians: *rubbing hands together* they’ve fallen into our trap
With age comes wisdom. And digestive trouble.
Columbus: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Well–
Columbus: *just yanks me out of my car and drives off in it*
If you ever find yourself drowning in a pool of egg whites and sugar, simply keep thrashing until you’re resting comfortably on a pillow of meringue.
If you’ve never said “I love you too” in a way that sounds a tad bit angry, then you must not have kids you are trying to put to bed.
9:30am meeting for my new job tomorrow and I really can’t believe people start work at the break of dawn like this.
I’m not sure why people limit themselves to snapping wishbones when there are so many excellent human bones for breaking.
‘Too much’, ‘not enough’. or ‘just right’? 😂