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@UncleDuke1969

Maybe she was just being paranoid, but Wendy couldn’t help feeling that she was being monitored.

@Cpin42

My wife’s parrot is in love with some guy named Jeff lol

@clichedout

me: I’d like to withdraw 100K

banker: from which account

me: like whoever has the most

@heatherlou_

*slips seductively out of shorts*

You know what that means…

*sleeps soundly for 7 hours*

*drools a little*

@NicestHippo

Funny how arguing works. We’re all “You clearly disagree with me, so I will now repeat my point with steadily increasing levels of volume”

@WilliamAder

I didn’t sign up for the 401k at work, because there’s no way I can run that far.

@Holy_Mowgli

TSA agent: I’m sorry we don’t allow liquids over 3.4 ounces

me: ok I’ll finish it here [drenches myself with Axe deodorant]

@ThisOneSayz

Things that are terrifying:

A snake on my hike
Clowns
My 3yo saying: ‘member your dark red lipstick that I like to draw with?