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If you ever wake up naked on your neighbour’s lawn, just pretend you’re a werewolf.


Girl in front of me on the bus just sent a text that was like a novel and the response was like a word and now even I’m pissed off about it.


Wife: “Notice anything?”

Me: “Is it your hair, shoes, dress, eyelashes, mascara, lipstick, or nails?”

Wife: “You forgot to wear pants.”


Me: Pull my finger.
Doctor: Ok.
[finger detaches]
Doctor: AAAAHHHHH!!!
ME: haha j/k that’s actually why I came in.


Doctor: this might hurt a little bit
Me: okay
Doctor: i like you, but only as a friend


i listed my ex as my emergency contact at my new job bc if i have a heart attack i need to tell kathy to burn in hell one last time


When I get home to find my wife naked in the tub, seductively asking me to “warm her up”, I dont waste a second..

to throw in a hairdryer


There was no bonus fry at the bottom of the bag. But the story has a happy ending. I found it later in my sports bra.


HR: Alright people, let’s be a little more sensitive to Linda bc she’s pregnant with child

Sally [who is pregnant with a hedgehog]: *sigh*