If you ever wake up naked on your neighbour’s lawn, just pretend you’re a werewolf.
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Girl in front of me on the bus just sent a text that was like a novel and the response was like a word and now even I’m pissed off about it.
Wife: “Notice anything?”
Me: “Is it your hair, shoes, dress, eyelashes, mascara, lipstick, or nails?”
Wife: “You forgot to wear pants.”
Me: Pull my finger.
ME: haha j/k that’s actually why I came in.
Doctor: this might hurt a little bit
Doctor: i like you, but only as a friend
i listed my ex as my emergency contact at my new job bc if i have a heart attack i need to tell kathy to burn in hell one last time
When I get home to find my wife naked in the tub, seductively asking me to “warm her up”, I dont waste a second..
to throw in a hairdryer
There was no bonus fry at the bottom of the bag. But the story has a happy ending. I found it later in my sports bra.
Sip of coffee for me, sip of coffee for my shirt.
HR: Alright people, let’s be a little more sensitive to Linda bc she’s pregnant with child
Sally [who is pregnant with a hedgehog]: *sigh*