Day 2 without sports:
Found a young lady sitting on my couch yesterday. Apparently she’s my wife. She seems nice.
You Might Also Like
If the object of having a few drinks is to ” Take the edge off”, then I’m Spherical
Marriage tip: If your wife says “I didn’t do it” what she means is “You did it”. Accept it and don’t worry that you don’t remember doing it.
So there’s a legend that in 1593, a soldier in Manila teleported to Mexico and I’ve never felt so connected to the lengths someone will go to for tacos.
My kids are young, so when they listen to old school music they think its new. They are currently listening to a hot new band called Queen.
[text]
Her: I picked up buffalo wings.
Me: * moves furniture around
* rolls out plastic sheeting
This ad says: “3 out of 5 smokers die”
Apparently the other 2 become immortal.
My kid is mad at me because *checks notes* I would not let her hang out in a dog crate and I ruined her dreams of being a dog
MOM: How are you doing?
ME: (drinking what may be 2-day old coffee) Amazing!
MOM: Really?!
ME: (stepping over dead body in kitchen) SO good!
I like it when it’s raining, because I can hold my umbrella really low and it makes everyone headless.
You guys talk about sex like it’s so great. I had sex once and she made me take off my jean jacket. Just not worth it.
My husband just bought us a cooking class for date night. Subtle.
Being a parent isn’t just a job it’s a way of life. Like coal mining, or deep sea fishing, or ice road trucking….really any job that’s actively trying to kill you.
Wife: You knew when we met that my job would preclude me from having children.
Me: Why? You can still investigate deaths when you’re pregnant.
Wife: Nobody puts baby in the coroner.
I’ve watched three episodes of “I Shouldn’t Be Alive” tonight, adding “outdoor enthusiast and survival expert” to my online dating profile.
“You are what you eat”?
I don’t remember eating a giant disappointment.
Me: hi, I’d like to schedule an exorcism for my husband
Priest: what makes you think he’s possessed?
Me: he forgets to eat on a regular basis
Priest: that’s not really-
Me: also he doesn’t “care for for cheese”
Priest: *grabs largest crucifix* Let’s do this
Follow me on instagram here!
It won’t all be gold – most of it is barely pewter
Wait, I thought Ionic Bond was James’s nerdy little brother.
“Oh hello, I didn’t see you there!” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you
i was doing yard work today when i stopped to tell a pile of leaves how cold fusion works. needless to say they were blown away.
Horse girls and cat ladies get all the attention but what about crow women
“My homework ate my dog” -student in python breeding class
[on phone]
Of course I trust you, babe. Always.
*searches Amazon for mini spycams with 1-day shipping*
*pulls motorist over*
COP: Are you high?
MAN: If I were high would you look like a breathing tree?
*one leaf silently falls from cop*
Keep your friends close and your m&ms closer.
Or something like that.
Me: I’m on the carnival diet.
Person: You mean the carnivore diet?
Me: No, the carnival diet. I eat hot dogs, funnel cake, and cotton candy.
[playing with a Ouija board with my dog]
Board: B A L L
Me: I know that’s you moving it! Stop!
Board: T R E A T S
Life hack:
When a police officer is asking you to touch your index finger to your nose, pretend your nose is a snooze button at 5AM.
Fastest way to occupy bored kids is to announce we are going to clean
Voila
Suddenly they all remember plans they’ve forgotten
Ah quiet
“Billie Jean” is probably my favorite song about someone named Billie Jean