Day 20. Still lost at sea. Crew thinks I know how to plot a course with a protractor. I just like making it walk on the map. Pointy Leg Man.

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[barber shop]
BARBER: what can we do for you today?
MEDUSA: well.. [removes hat]
BARBER: so do you want more or less snakes?


GOD: Make humans super super awake when it’s time to go to bed, and super super tired when it’s time to wake up.

GOD’S ASSISTANT: Did you… Did you mean that the other way around?

GOD: [Embarassed, but afraid to show weakness] Just fricken do it, Jeff.


When you’re dragging a boat full of sailors to its watery doom then suddenly remember you left the oven on


Nothing is worse than having jock itch. ESPECIALLY within 100 ft of a school or playground.


[brainstorming movie scripts]

WRITER: a romantic comedy? guy sees girl in red dress and falls in-

STEPHEN KING: what if it’s an evil dress


I have enough money to live comfortably for the rest of my life, if I die next Thursday


Just in: Chinese people confirm they were just messing with us with chopsticks. “You guys look like dumb idiots lol” says one Chinese guy


6: Dad what’s a Kardashian?
Me: Nobody really knows…
6: Sounds really stupid
Me: I love you


Keep your longtime co-workers guessing and questioning their self-worth by forgetting their names.