Day 218 of making fun of CrossFit.
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Friend: Dude, you just ran a stop sign.
Me: No cop, no stop.
Friend: Why’d you just run over that frog?
Me: No cop, no hop!
Friend: Oh my god! YOU JUST HIT A JANITOR!
Me: NO COP, NO MOP!
Currently accomplishing an astonishing amount of nothing, at a blistering rate.
*gets into trouble*
Trouble: Wrong hole.
JUVENAL: Who watches the Watchmen?
ME: I did. It was good.
JUVENAL: No, you’re missing the point.
ME: Well I know there was a lot of subtext, but I think I understood it.
Jennifer on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Jennifer? Most people love it.
Coworker: Wow, you look great! How’d you lose weight so quickly?
Me, without emergency loaves of bread stuffed in my clothes because it was raining when I left for work and I don’t like soggy bread: No bread
Insomnia: Hi
Me: Hi
I: Hope I’m disturbing you
M: You are
I: You know what we could do?
M: Let me sleep?
I: HA, no, let’s think about hippos
Pretty upsetting that during such a time of pandemic, some people are refusing to take their work home with them… Like my children’s nanny
Trash truck: [emptying my garbage bins]
Me [running out of house with 2020 under my arms]: HOLD ON A MINUTE
Just yelled “out of my way monsters!” at a flock of seagulls, so I’m done interacting socially for the day
Every group chat births a second smaller group chat without the annoying people, and if you think yours doesn’t, I have some bad news
A client just told me I reminded them of their grandmother.
Welcome to 45. The world is my oyster.
Why I gotta scan all my parts at tsa but they cant scan the airplane for all its parts
Being a Zombie doesn’t sound that bad. You don’t have a job and your entire day is spent looking for things to eat. Shit, I do that now.
[Hospital]
New mom: [happy] She’s so beautiful. And she has your nose.
New dad: [suspicious] No, she doesn’t.
New mom: I was addressing the elephant in the room.
Elephant: [just walked in with flowers] shit….
It’s like my Uncle said, no body, no crime
Coworker: I only asked how your weekend was…
Me: Doctor, I’d like to close my own wound.
Dr: Suture self
Principal: *pats me on the back at my graduation*
Me, who has never been burped: *burps for two full hours*
Me: I think my computer’s broken
Boss: just give it to the IT guy
Me: okay *walks outside and tosses my laptop into the sewer* good luck
When a hot chick puts a pen in her mouth, all kinds of weird shit goes through my mind. Like:
-How’s her penmanship?
-Can she do my taxes?
When ITS SNOWING in SoCal you make a tiny snow dude ⛄️
3-year-old: Daddy, I don’t want hair that looks like yours.
Me: What does my hair look like?
3: Like stupid.
She gets her tact from me.
[zoo]
GUIDE: i told you not to feed the monkeys
ME: it’s a cigar
Once I get the creative juices flowing, I realize how disgusting that really sounds.
My daughter’s main food groups are pancakes, watermelon, cheese, and her mother’s patience.
When something with a lifetime warranty breaks, they send a hitman to your house.
I’m “Since when did it become unacceptable for your socks to show” years old.
Me: “Why does the date of Easter change each year?”
Priest: “It’s because of the moon”
Me: “The moon killed Jesus?”
Priest: “Yes. Yes it did”
[months from now]
CDC: aight it’s safe to go outside
Me: *now fluent in 6 languages, daily phone calls with grandma, black belt, 8 hours+ sleep each night, skin looks AMAZING, befriended a spunky spider under the fridge* are…are you sure?
[Speech Therapy]
Therapist: Repeat after me: I’m thirsty
Dad: I’m…thirsty
T: I’m hungry
D: I’m…H…Hi Hungry, I’m Dad
T: *throws clipboard*