Day 22 of quarantine and I’ve turned my living room into a nudist colony. The kids hate it but I’ve finally obtained some privacy
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my New Year’s Eve plans:
– sleep until 11:59 PM
– wake up to watch the ball fall
– practice writing 2024 a few times
– go to bed
Based on all of my exes I would have to say that Cupid has a wicked sense of humor.
I could’ve been a doctor. OK, so I don’t have the intelligence or the people skills, but I nailed the shitty handwriting.
My cat thinks his name is Pspspspssss
4-year-old: *finds Nerf gun* Dad, I’ll shoot you!
*tries*
4: I can’t get it. Can you shoot yourself?
She’s not the first to ask me that.
*sees window washer in a harness outside office high rise*
*holds up sign from desk*
YOU’RE NOT EVEN FLYING EVERYONE CAN SEE THE STRINGS
I’ve been watching a lot of tiktok lately and y’all need to stop marrying people who look just like you do but with a wig on.
Hey, Facebook. Dead people can’t read your RIP shoutouts, because death.
All. The. Damn. Time.
If you’re looking for a woman whose problem solving skills include plugging the power strip back into itself to use the outlet it’s in, hit me up.
Son #1: Who’s your favorite kid?
Me: It doesn’t matter.
Son #2: Yeah, but who’s your favorite?
Me: Your Mom is my favorite, and I’d bury you both alive on her say-so. Remember that.
“Here’s Ted with the weather.”
“…”
“I said… Here’s Ted with the weather.”
“…”
“Ted?”
“THAT’s what an unanswered text feels like, Sue.”
A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.
shaking my gf awake from a nap to tell her it’s kermit the frog’s birthday
Buddha: all life is suffering
Me: alright dude, chill out. they said your food would be out in ten minutes
Sharks would be a lot less scary if they had ears.
Accidentally threw my phone in the garbage bin outside while trying to toss a bag and if that’s not a sign from the universe I chose to ignore when I fished it back out I don’t know what is
This is not how I wanted to learn the Greek alphabet
Me: Who is the most handsome man in the world?
Wife: Ewan McGreggor
Me: Thank you but you can only pick one
I’m getting my eyebrows waxed into “permanently surprised” position so it looks like I’m paying attention.
Girl from school who refused to dance with me at elementary school disco: can I get some chicken Mcnuggets
Me: well look who’s come crawling back
*Being murdered in bed*
Me: CAN YOU JUST TRY NOT TO DISARRANGE THE THROW PILLOWS??
When you think about it, crime not withstanding, all cars are getaway cars
Do one person every day that scares you.
Forgive me father for I have sinned, last week I hissed at 47 people because I like to pretend I’m a mean cat
I keep rearranging my home office just to throw off everyone on the work video calls.
Always remember to look for the end of the extension cord you left in the yard before taking a piss.
[3am – a knock on the door]
me: jfc do u know what time it is?
salesman: *pulls out a box* cheesecake time
me: *considers intensely* come in
Either I stood up too quickly or this quart of vodka was deliciouser than I thought.