Day 27 without sports:
Hesitated for an inappropriately long moment before intervening in my kid’s living room brawl.
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A great way to get a cw to stop talking to you permanently is to start clipping your toenails in the middle of their story
Just did my taxes. Put $420.69 on every line and 5 IRS agents just showed up at my door with a keg, 3 strippers and giant foam fingers.
ME: babe i don’t think the acid we dropped is working
GIANT BLUE OX: are you sure
Sorry I winked at your mom when she said she needed her pool vacuumed.
The Purge: Valentine’s Day
I posted a selfie and someone commented “Oh my! That was brave.”.
My supervisor said I’m worth my weight in gold so I’m eating these donuts to increase my value.
Life is about experiences. First kisses. Books that change you. Self-medication. Dogs telling you to set things on fire.
there are few problems in life that can’t be solved by being presented with new and even bigger problems 🎭
Everyone’s allowed one Tolkien pun just don’t make it a hobbit
The sexual tension between the mustard sauce and my t shirt.
A spider crawled out of the head of broccoli I was washing and that’s what I get for not ordering pizza
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
I installed a mirror inside my fridge to make it look fuller, and now I have two empty fridges.
“For a really awkward time, call me.”
-me, leaving my number on bathroom stalls.
me when i see my girls butt
jury duty is so unserious. like uh oh it’s time for my government-mandated gossiping!
Posh sugar daddies are called fructose fathers
Corgi: why are my legs so short?
God: that’s just what legs look like.
Corgi: oh cool.
[giraffe walks by]
Corgi:
God: you weren’t supposed to see that.
Rappers: we gonna see you in the club! Get down in the club! Party in the club!
Me: ok cool can’t wait
[is too embarrassed to ask ‘but which club though’]
How many steps are you guys getting lately for me it’s 7
Princess Peach has been kidnapped so often, I’m beginning to think she might be Liam Neeson’s daughter.
Spent the day helping out on my son’s Kindergarten field trip.
Teachers should make a minimum of $6 million per year.
Columbus: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Well–
Columbus: *just yanks me out of my car and drives off in it*
You’ve won this round supervisor, but accidentally leave your Ok Cupid profile open one more time and you’ll be a transgender time traveler.
This woman named Amanda who lives above me burns her dinner nearly every night and it makes my apt smell like a fire pit so I’ve been calling her Burnie Manders behind her back to make myself feel better about it
HR said that me trying to woo a colleague with a banjo is not what “challenge yourself in the workplace” actually meant.
Just learned that land on earth was covered in moss for 40 million years. Imagine getting to one million years of just moss thinking that you gotta be done with moss any day now and then you learn it’s 39 million more years of moss
Damn…CAPTCHAs getting hard.
I never eat spiders in my sleep because I hang a sign at the door to my mouth that says “I’m a vegetarian” and they know to leave