@addie_huneycutt

Day 3 in quarantine. My mom made me check my 11 year old brother’s search history. He has searched “how tall is goofy” and “why do Mormons have so many trampolines.” For his sake, I almost wish I found something bad

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@RunOldMan

I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.

@TheBoydP

Couples have an amount they can spend up to without discussing with each other. Mine is around $50. My wife’s is around $643.27. Apparently

@canadian_jane

This bar smells so bad and I can’t tell who’s homeless and who’s a hipster.

@trustedshoe

Trainer: Run a mile on the track at your own pace.

Me: Okay. *starts running*

*halley’s comet goes by*

*trainer dies of old age*

*halley’s comet passes again*

*the sun dies*

*final episode of the simpsons airs*

Me(almost halfway done): Halfway there!

@BraandoCommando

Interviewer: we’re looking for someone responsible

Me: perfect, I was responsible for everything that went wrong at my last job

@squirrel74wkgn

The teenage boy cashier just told my wife that her tampon coupon is expired…and all of Target went silent.

@Wine_Honey1

Pro tip: If you smear your lipstick all over your face like the Joker, people won’t talk to you.

@Token_Geezer

Everyone on twitter is single, pretending to be single, or about to be single