A little about me: I’m a beekeeper. I see a bee, I keep it. I don’t care whose bee it is. Should have been watching it better.
Day 3 in quarantine. My mom made me check my 11 year old brother’s search history. He has searched “how tall is goofy” and “why do Mormons have so many trampolines.” For his sake, I almost wish I found something bad
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Do people who get meal kits shipped to their home know they can have restaurants deliver food that’s already cooked?
ISAAC NEWTON: i have just discovered gravity
EVERYONE ELSE: hey how come i can’t float around anymore
I like to picture my mom in the middle of the crowd at a Wu Tang concert, hands on her hips, just shouting grammar corrections back at them
ME: I fell in the shower.
HIM: Send pics
ME: I need to return this blender
WALMART EMPLOYEE: Why?
ME:(thinking about how i broke it trying to blend rocks to make sand)
Me: Come to my party. I’m making my “secret special punch.”
Her: You mean vodka & food coloring?
Me: Who told you my secret?!?
One time I smashed my face into a keyboard and accidentally wrote the fifth Twilight book.
I asked for the phonebook, my girlfriend called me an antique and gave me her phone.
I don’t care, the spider’s dead.
The best sick burn I ever dispensed was when I showed up to eat on a patio with a group and I had an umbrella and a girl said “don’t be such a pessimist!” and I responded “I’m not a pessimist, I just know how to read a weather report” and then stared at her.