Day 3 in quarantine. My mom made me check my 11 year old brother’s search history. He has searched “how tall is goofy” and “why do Mormons have so many trampolines.” For his sake, I almost wish I found something bad

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A little about me: I’m a beekeeper. I see a bee, I keep it. I don’t care whose bee it is. Should have been watching it better.


Do people who get meal kits shipped to their home know they can have restaurants deliver food that’s already cooked?


ISAAC NEWTON: i have just discovered gravity
EVERYONE ELSE: hey how come i can’t float around anymore


I like to picture my mom in the middle of the crowd at a Wu Tang concert, hands on her hips, just shouting grammar corrections back at them


ME: I need to return this blender
ME:(thinking about how i broke it trying to blend rocks to make sand)
“Its haunted”


Me: Come to my party. I’m making my “secret special punch.”

Her: You mean vodka & food coloring?

Me: Who told you my secret?!?


One time I smashed my face into a keyboard and accidentally wrote the fifth Twilight book.


I asked for the phonebook, my girlfriend called me an antique and gave me her phone.

I don’t care, the spider’s dead.


The best sick burn I ever dispensed was when I showed up to eat on a patio with a group and I had an umbrella and a girl said “don’t be such a pessimist!” and I responded “I’m not a pessimist, I just know how to read a weather report” and then stared at her.