@addie_huneycutt

Day 3 in quarantine. My mom made me check my 11 year old brother’s search history. He has searched “how tall is goofy” and “why do Mormons have so many trampolines.” For his sake, I almost wish I found something bad

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@shatterpants

I hate when I wake up at night, look at the clock and go right back to sleep. Essentially my body is just waking me up to do math.

@XplodingUnicorn

My 1-year-old stabbed a stuffed animal with a broken plastic spoon.

She learned to fight in prison.

@a_man_named_JED

School says strangers are handing out lick on LSD tattoos. I told my kids not to worry, no one is giving out good shit like that for free

@stevevsninjas

Me: Well honey, this place is ripe for arson
Realtor: Right for your son? Oh yes
Me: This house will be coals
Realtor: Cole is a lovely name

@thecrabbyhook

My mother has now been sending me a Valentine’s card for 28 years. She’s persistent but I’m not interested.

@AlisonChrista

FRIEND: i have this great new detox system
it’s all natural and actually works i swear

ME: is it your liver & kidneys?

i bet it’s your liver & kidneys