I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
Day 3 in quarantine. My mom made me check my 11 year old brother’s search history. He has searched “how tall is goofy” and “why do Mormons have so many trampolines.” For his sake, I almost wish I found something bad
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Couples have an amount they can spend up to without discussing with each other. Mine is around $50. My wife’s is around $643.27. Apparently
This bar smells so bad and I can’t tell who’s homeless and who’s a hipster.
Trainer: Run a mile on the track at your own pace.
Me: Okay. *starts running*
*halley’s comet goes by*
*trainer dies of old age*
*halley’s comet passes again*
*the sun dies*
*final episode of the simpsons airs*
Me(almost halfway done): Halfway there!
Interviewer: we’re looking for someone responsible
Me: perfect, I was responsible for everything that went wrong at my last job
The teenage boy cashier just told my wife that her tampon coupon is expired…and all of Target went silent.
Blowing your load on a girl counts as a baby shower right ?
Pro tip: If you smear your lipstick all over your face like the Joker, people won’t talk to you.
Everyone on twitter is single, pretending to be single, or about to be single