my idiot dog just ate a box of condom. i was gonna eat those buddy
Day 3 in quarantine. My mom made me check my 11 year old brother’s search history. He has searched “how tall is goofy” and “why do Mormons have so many trampolines.” For his sake, I almost wish I found something bad
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I hate when I wake up at night, look at the clock and go right back to sleep. Essentially my body is just waking me up to do math.
Son, I’m not a mad scientist, just a disappointed scientist.
My 1-year-old stabbed a stuffed animal with a broken plastic spoon.
She learned to fight in prison.
School says strangers are handing out lick on LSD tattoos. I told my kids not to worry, no one is giving out good shit like that for free
Me: Well honey, this place is ripe for arson
Realtor: Right for your son? Oh yes
Me: This house will be coals
Realtor: Cole is a lovely name
My mother has now been sending me a Valentine’s card for 28 years. She’s persistent but I’m not interested.
How often do you think they wash the Muppets?
FRIEND: i have this great new detox system
it’s all natural and actually works i swear
ME: is it your liver & kidneys?
i bet it’s your liver & kidneys