Day 3 in quarantine. My mom made me check my 11 year old brother’s search history. He has searched “how tall is goofy” and “why do Mormons have so many trampolines.” For his sake, I almost wish I found something bad
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My parents haven’t called with a computer problem in 48 hours. I’m sending my brother over there to check on them.
I’m keeping my wedding small. Probably won’t have a bride.
me: did you know there’s a complex named after you
oedipus: haha, I’m not surprised, I was king, defeated the sphinx, stopped a plague! what part of my life is it named after?
me:
oedipus: andrew? what par—what did they name it after?
Looking for recipe ideas, I’d like to use up this uranium before it goes bad.
Vegan pizza…. is basically
just the box.
Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
Me: how d’ya like them apples?
Dr: *hisses and retreats into the shadows*
me: I was mugged by a snake
cop: was he armed?
me: *long pause* no
me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno
What do you mean “yogurt flavored”?! Yogurt is the stuff we have to add flavor to.
“What’s your favourite Pixar film?”
“Up, yours?”
“No need to be like that I was only asking”
hell hath no fury like a toddler who lost the chance to push a button
Dear God I need smarter followers.
God: Me too.
A Roomba, but to shave my legs.
I have actually used trigonometry for work. I was promised by so many people that this would never happen.
When I say things are going swimmingly, it’s important to note that I can’t swim.
I don’t like grudges. My Aunt kept grudges. I’ve always hated her for it.
Dominos just called to let me know my pizza’s on the way. They correctly assumed I’d need time to find my pants.
If it’s the thought that matters, I had a shower today 😉
Me: I absolutely cannot take a cop in shorts seriously.
Him: Sorry ma’am but I’m still going to have to ask you to come with me.
Me: Haha OK
Naming my daughter “A Relationship” so I don’t have to worry about punks wanting to be in her.
*Abandons ship*
*Ship gets adopted*
*Tracks down ship in adulthood*
*Ship is happy and wants nothing to do with me*
whole time I was thinking “how’s Popeye gonna top this shit” then this mf justs —
It’s a 5 minute walk from my house to the bar
It’s a 35 minute walk from the bar to my house
The difference is staggering
[me being lowered into my grave]
the grave:
please input the SMS code we texted so we can make sure it’s you
If you add ‘ish’ on the end of the time, you’re not really late.
okay, i admit it. you’re wrong.
[first date]
Him: *dips chip into salsa rather than scooping*
Me: *gets up and leaves*
(…comes back, grabs salsa bowl, leaves for real)
I told my kids their cash and coins are worthless now because they have the Queen and not King Charles on them.
They cried and cried and I’m up $83.