Day 3 of my thirty minute DIY project
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Dog keeps sighing melodramatically. I know he wants me to ask him what’s wrong, but I’m not falling for it.
Woke up thinking I’d look good in yellow.
Nope, looks like I was eaten by a shredded wheat box.
PROFESSOR: We share 99% of our DNA with chimps.
ME: Okay so, like, do we take turns?
PROFESSOR: What?
ME: What if I need it and he’s still using it?
PROFESSOR: That’s not-
ME: I don’t want to fight him if he won’t give it back.
GPS: Take the next right.
Me:
GPS: Make a U-Turn.
GPS: Make a U-Turn.
Me: [Going 70mph down a hill in a Target shopping cart] I don’t know how to tell you this…
“Easy as pie” does not sound easy to me. Make it “Easy as Hot Pockets” or “Easy as eating six pickles straight out of the jar without even closing the fridge”
One time in jail and I asked someone what her favorite cheese was and she said shredded.
I put the p in pants.
Dammit, I forgot which one I left my key under.
The thing about human relationships is that one person can be so overcome by a moment while the other person is thinking about KFC…
ALIEN: take me to ur leader
ME: ok
[later at zoo]
A: wtf
M: a lemur
A: I said leader
M: well ur ship is so loud I couldn’t hear a damn thing
It’s not a real relationship, until you’ve apologized to a locked bathroom door.
Rock Singer: I SAID, YOU READY TO HAVE A GOOD TIME? I CAN’T HEAR YOU!
Me: DO YOU UNDERSTAND THAT WE DON’T HAVE MICROPHONES ON THIS SIDE?!
[Cat birthday party]
*Cat opens gift from her husband*
“It’s…an empty box.”
*silence*
“Oh honey, I love it!”
Someone suggested a breakfast salad, and then I wondered why someone could be so mean.
Pregnant women go through a “nesting” phase where they make a tree fort out of twigs and parts of men they’ve killed.
Them: Awwww, congrats! Are you about 6 months along?
Me: Nah, just ate a burrito supreme.
Them: I THINK IT’S TWINS!!!
me: so what, you’re gonna be angry at me for the rest of your life
wife: no, the rest of yours
ME: i trained my cat to talk
HER: let’s see
ME: name an object pronoun
CAT: me-
ME: what do u I say when I’m hurt
CAT: -ow
HER: this sucks
ME: patience
CAT: we’re just getting started, Linda
I dont mean to brag but my sense of humour has people saying they worry about me sometimes.
*bird forgets to set alarm clock*
*worm has pretty laid back morning*
It’s like the people who drive Smart cars don’t even realize that other cars are an option.
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth. Then it becomes a soap opera.
Yes I delete tweets when they don’t live up to my expectations.
Just be glad I don’t have kids.
it’s so sad that aladdin was my favorite movie as a kid and now i can’t even remember the main character’s name
[before calculus was invented]
me: I understand everything
Your Honor, these 52 selfies on my clients phone at the precise moment of the crime prove that my client can only be guilty of narcissism.
[car slides off road in a snowstorm]
Stranger: you need a tow?
Me: no Sir 10 is enough for me[we both laugh as he drives away]
[still stuck 10 hours later]
Wife:
Me: I regret nothing
Them: dial 911!
Me: this thing can make calls?
ME: *Donates my body to science*
SCIENCE: Oooh, we… we don’t want that.