I saw some ducks practicing their teenage girl faces down by the pond today
Day 3 of self isolation:
Alexa and I are engaged…
Siri is kinda jealous…
It’s either gonna get interesting or ugly…
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Shout out to Pringles for never giving us a half can of air.
The human brain is so fascinating. It operates 24/7 from the day we were born and only stops when ur taking a test or talking to someone attractive.
Web MD should go ahead and sell caskets.
H: The house is empty, why don’t you go and slip into something more comfortable?
Me: great idea *comes back wearing fuzzy penguin pajamas*
Mary Had a Little Lamb, Little Lamb, Little Lamb.
Maybe she wasn’t that hungry.
Music teacher comes to our house. Gives our kid a significant, noticeable haircut. Tells no one. Then leaves. !!!
Go to a suburban neighborhood, find the meanest mom with the biggest glass of white wine, and bring her to negotiate your new car purchase.
Husband: *gives me two pancakes*
Me: Hey! These paper plates say they hold up to 2 lbs of food.
Me: Keep stacking, buddy.
At my funeral, please make my dead body do the ‘walking down stairs behind a couch’ into the grave