Day 3 of self isolation:

Hour 7432:

Alexa and I are engaged…

Siri is kinda jealous…

It’s either gonna get interesting or ugly…

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I saw some ducks practicing their teenage girl faces down by the pond today


The human brain is so fascinating. It operates 24/7 from the day we were born and only stops when ur taking a test or talking to someone attractive.


H: The house is empty, why don’t you go and slip into something more comfortable?

Me: great idea *comes back wearing fuzzy penguin pajamas*


Mary Had a Little Lamb, Little Lamb, Little Lamb.

Maybe she wasn’t that hungry.


Music teacher comes to our house. Gives our kid a significant, noticeable haircut. Tells no one. Then leaves. !!!


Go to a suburban neighborhood, find the meanest mom with the biggest glass of white wine, and bring her to negotiate your new car purchase.


Husband: *gives me two pancakes*

Me: Hey! These paper plates say they hold up to 2 lbs of food.

Husband: And?

Me: Keep stacking, buddy.


At my funeral, please make my dead body do the ‘walking down stairs behind a couch’ into the grave