@clichedout

[day 3: stuck in elevator]

girl: if we don’t eat we’ll die soon

me: *waiting for her to die so I don’t have to share the meatballs in my pocket* how soon?

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@knot_eye

*on the phone*

Me: I’d like to order a 12″ cheese steak.

Him: Sure. That’ll be $13.39.

M: How long will it be?

H: Uhh, a foot?

M: …

@FlyJ_

please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here…
-me opening the dryer

@JosesLovesYou

You see a rat stealing pizza, I see a rat providing for his four turtle children

@drinksmcgee

[Speed Date]

Her: Hi! I’m Sus… wait… is that your dog with you?

*Dog sniffs her and turns to me, shaking his head*

Me: NEXT!!!!

@alexlumaga

Meteorologist has to be the easiest job in the world. Just keep predicting no meteors will hit us and the first time you’re wrong everyone’s dead anyway

@ByrdMan0914

To avoid further heartbreaks from loving someone who doesn’t love me back I have decided to focus on things I have a better shot with…like my love of chicken wings.

Chicken wings: Um, I have a boyfriend

@BillMc7

Restaurant Hostess: “Sorry about the wait.”
Me: “It’s okay, you don’t need to apologize for being overweight.”

@Robert_Beau

Sunday Family Dinner:

Mother In Law: Isn’t that your third glass of wine?

Me: Isn’t that your third husband?

MIL:

M:

MIL:

M: Gravy?

@cynbin_

I know what I’m getting for Christmas.

Fat. I’m getting fat.

@NicCageMatch

Just heard a guy at the dog park tell his dog “NO!” and then more quietly, “We talked about this!”