Day 302 of my husband and I both working from home:

Me: *tapes note to microwave reminding coworkers to PLEASE CLEAN UP SPILLS THIS MICROWAVE IS FOR THE WHOLE OFFICE

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It’s impossible to be a parent and stay on twitter so I’m afraid it’s time to say goodbye.

So this is your uncle, you live with him now.


[me living in a hallmark movie]

oh my gosh, my childhood love is still single? and here? in this small town?

well if we don’t fall in love and get together then the christmas tree farm will foreclose!



when you push a pull door and the person behind says “you need to pull” aye cheers lad sure next plan was to start lifting from the bottom


If bugs tell each other scary stories, the one who landed in the wax of my candle just became a marshmallow pumpkin scented, urban legend.


[spelling bee]

Your word is ‘condescending’

“Can you use it in a sentence?”

Of course I can. Can YOU?


Want to stop getting invited to parties? Be a nonchalant double dipper.

It’s that simple.


As Vladimir Putin announces he’s seeking re-election in 2018, world leaders congratulate him on his landslide victory.


Coworker: *sneezes*
Me: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: *stabs them in the neck with a pen*


“One day, I will create a global business-oriented social networking service”

– Abraham LinkedIn


*pterodactyl wakes his wife up pissing at 3am*
WIFE: I thought your pee was supposed to be silent!!!