Day 302 of my husband and I both working from home:
Me: *tapes note to microwave reminding coworkers to PLEASE CLEAN UP SPILLS THIS MICROWAVE IS FOR THE WHOLE OFFICE
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Pete: I’m Pete
Peter: I’m Peter
Me, competitive: I’m Petest
6yo: what do old people eat?
me: when I’m old I’m going to eat children.
6yo: you’re joking, mom. you’re already old.
When french fries are part of your drive thru order are they completely gone by the time you get home or do you have self discipline and self respect?
Just caught my cat stealing my bank card off the table and now I regret telling him all my pin numbers ‘just in case’
*When you can teleport through your phone*
Hello! Can you here me?
Pulling out the ouija board at the office and asking Craig from accounting if I can hit up his widow
Sometimes when I’m about to sneeze, I snort some glitter. Then when I finally sneeze, glitter fills the air and people think I’m a wizard.
I love that sexy thing you do, what’s it called again? Oh yeah, me.
Nirvana, according to most Buddhists I’ve spoken to, is quite literally the best alternative rock band to have ever existed.
I’m fine with premarital sex, but marital sex just seems weird. That’s your roommate. Boundaries.
Me: I’m sad my favorite beef jerky has been making my stomach hurt.
Husband: Maybe you shouldn’t eat the whole bag.
Me: No one asked you.
Friend: I’m getting married
Me: OMG, I’m so sorry. How long do you have?
My kid has been not so subtley asking when April 1st is for the last three days and I am afraid to get out of bed
Him: you’re not wearing pants?
Her: my pants don’t fit, OK?
Him: your pajama pants don’t fit?
Her: MY PAJAMA PANTS DON’T FIT, OK?!
4: okay, I will be Mario and you will be the goomba–
Husband: NO, no, you’re not jumping on my head.
4: *sigh* kay…
Seriously guys, you have no idea how much nothing I can accomplish when I’m on Twitter.
How to find out if you old.
(Fall down in front of a group of people.)
If they laugh, you are young.
If they panic, you are old.
Being a parent will make you pay much closer attention to when songs have dirty lyrics.
In unrelated news, how do you get children to stop singing at the top of their voices in public?
“No! Don’t go into the church! Nooo!”
“Honey, what movie are you watching?”
“Our wedding video.”
Well, at least my kids are finding new and exciting ways to make my two college degrees meaningless.
How to woo a woman
Sandal was upset at the vet yesterday, because nothing bad has ever happened to him so he thinks being weighed is a war crime, and the technician kept trying to soothe him by saying ” awww, pobrecita chancleta” (literally, “poor little flip-flop”). he’s never living this down
DOCTOR: I think you have a curvature of the upper spine
QUASIMODO: That a diagnosis?
D: We need an X-ray to confirm. Right now it’s a hunch
Son, no longer do rituals and conquests mark the passage into manhood. Thru the ages boys would face bears, tigers with a chiseled stone knife. As you are only five, we shall start slow.
*I fill his pockets with sunflower seeds and prod him towards the mass of park squirrels*
4-year-old: Why do my hands taste funny?
Me: I don’t know. Go wash them.
4: Don’t you want to taste them first?
2020: A masked guy puts lasagna in your trunk and then you drive away.
*first date*
Her: I’m a bit of a night owl
Me: Surely as most owls are nocturnal then it’s just an owl
H: Well, aren’t you a hoot
This boot was made for walking.
This other boot was made for finding dog poop, apparently.