Day 4 of quarantine: I’ve gained 796 pounds.
You Might Also Like
My mom has more confidence in discovering the truth about the JFK assassination than me finding another husband
Website: You can’t use your last 5 passwords
Me: Stop flexing that you have a better memory than I have.
Even in a suit, Matthew McConaughey looks like he’s just been rescued after two weeks lost in the desert.
*octopus goes in for a palm reading*
Psychic: “CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS”
The faster the ponytail bounces the more purposeful the woman walking
I remember in Driver’s Ed. they’d teach you dumb stuff like “hands at 10 & 2” instead of real life important shit like “how to eat a sausage McMuffin while driving with your knees”.
“what does your tattoo mean” i had money and nobody stopped me
PIERRE GASLY WHAT IS THIS ????
My astrological sign is KFC gravy
Any time a child tries to guess my age.
Snakes have both zero chill and tons of chill because I start freaking out when a piece of food takes a second to go down my esophagus and they feel that every time they eat and it’s not an almond it’s a mouse, oh snakes I wish you such peace
ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.
Me: my tooth hurts when I suck
Dentist: so you’re in constant pain
I was really upset today but then a friend said “don’t be upset” so now I’m not upset anymore
IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT IN THE TWEET BELOW
Texting you back right away doesn’t make me a psycho.
What makes me a pyscho is watching you through your window while petting your cat.
I threw my cat a surprise party. Long story short, I need 30 stitches and learned I should never scream ‘SURPRISE’ directly in my cat’s face
I made the mistake of smelling one of my 6yo’s socks to see if it was dirty. I will now just assume all socks are dirty.
*feels the wind in my toe hair
I wonder what song the Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make a bikini top?
Me: *eating 3rd Twix of the day*
Her: You eat too much candy, you’re going to make me a widow
Me: *orders 10 truckloads & cancels all plans*
Learn what car your boss drives so you don’t give her the finger in the parking garage. I know that now
Don’t know how to delete tweets so please disregard the one earlier in which I angrily accused my enemies of breaking into my house without any signs of forced entry and stealing only my favourite red t-shirt as part of an evil mind game. Just realised I was already wearing it
*4-yr old niece tells me about trip to Empire State Building
Her: It’s so tall, I almost touched the moon!
Me: Oh you are so full of shit!
A man drove his expensive car into a tree and found out how a Mercedes bends
I go to Costco sometimes just to pet the rotisserie chickens.
Get married and have kids so that you can Google things like “How to teach your kid to not bite”.
Even though Janice had always wanted an extravagant wedding, she couldn’t help but feel putting toilet paper on the bridal registry was a bit over the top.
One thing no one ever talks about being an adult is how much time you debate yourself on keeping a cardboard box because it’s, like, a really good box.
“Steak and Shake” great burgers and also a good way to kill baby vampires.